'That's momma's pumpkin boy
Momma's pumpkin boy
Momma's pumpkin boy, that's you
Your momma's pumpkin boy
Momma's pumpkin boy
And momma says she loves you!'
'My baby boy
Can stand up big and tall
My baby boy
Is the biggest boy of all
My baby boy
Can sit up on his own
My baby boy
Best boy ever known'
'Happy boy, happy boy
Zach is such a happy boy
Handsome boy, handsome boy
Zach is such a handsome boy
Smart boy, smart boy
Zach is such a smart boy
Momma's boy, momma's boy
Zach is momma's boy'
Momma's pumpkin boy
Momma's pumpkin boy, that's you
Your momma's pumpkin boy
Momma's pumpkin boy
And momma says she loves you!'
'My baby boy
Can stand up big and tall
My baby boy
Is the biggest boy of all
My baby boy
Can sit up on his own
My baby boy
Best boy ever known'
'Happy boy, happy boy
Zach is such a happy boy
Handsome boy, handsome boy
Zach is such a handsome boy
Smart boy, smart boy
Zach is such a smart boy
Momma's boy, momma's boy
Zach is momma's boy'
February meant yet another trip to St. Louis for Zachary. Jenny had already been to Children's Hospital in St. Louis with Deanna and Cam the end of January, but now it was Zach's turn. He had another CT scan for neurology to check his VP shunt and had to have his eyes checked with ophthalmology. The CT scan showed every thing was normal and they would check up in another 2 years, but the ophthalmologist noticed that Zach had a wandering eye and prescribed him to wear an eye patch. He had to wear a patch on his good eye for 3 months straight to strengthen his wandering eye. He hated those patches, but Jenny knew it was important for him to wear it and she didn't give in to his whining and take it off. The next month Zachary had another St. Louis trip for cleft clinic. Jenny had taken him to clinic at least once a month since he was born and it was just like any other day for her. This clinic was one of the important ones, though. He had a CT scan to check his bones in his mouth so they could schedule his next cleft surgery. The many doctors appointments were beginning to take a toll on her health and attitude, but she struggled to stay as calm as she could.
Jenny hadn't realized how worn down she was until she began going through all of her photos. She used to look so happy and carefree, but now she felt like an ogre. There was just so much to be done and so much to worry about. Zachary was on 2 medications, vitamins for his MTHFR in the morning and allergy medication at night. Jenny was on 5 medications for insomnia, eczema, migraines, and her MTHFR. There were, at any given time, several phone calls to be made to doctors, therapists, and program coordinators. Zach had therapy for an hour 3 days a week. They had doctor appointments 4 days a month, St. Louis appointments once a month, and stacks of paperwork that needed to be filled out, signed, dated, and sent back every month. Then there was always the 'normal' things that needed done; dishes, laundry, paying bills, taking out trash, and so on. Jenny did every thing that needed done without having a job, car, or phone of her own. She was tired and stressed out, but she still got it all done. Because of Zachary's disabilities, he had a lot of developmental delays. He had to use a walker, just like the elderly, everyday. He had to get ankle braces the were the most intense kind made for children in hopes of getting him to walk before his delays worsened. Jenny was determined they would do it, even though she hated to hear him cry because he didn't want to work on his walking. She managed to return to her carefree and fun loving self after a while and even had an easier time dealing with her anxiety.
She had been meeting a lot of new people and loved that she was back 'out there'. After a week or so, though, she became worried that this would be just like every other time before. The men would only care for one thing or they would only want her as a friend. How could she be that undesirable she wondered. She felt beautiful inside and out, but thought no one else could see this. She turned her fear and pain into humor and went on about her life. The relationship with her son became better than ever in the midst of her secret fear and pain. Zachary was giving her kisses and hugs every moment that he wasn't throwing food on her clean floors! They were having late night cuddle sessions before bed. He would just look at her with such love in his eyes and she couldn't help but melt into a puddle over him. She couldn't get enough alone time with her baby boy, but knew how to separate 'mommy mode' from her own identity now.
It had been years since Jenny had endured the pain of seeing disgust on a stranger's face when they looked at her sweet child. She had forgotten that anyone would ever see him as anything but adorable, but she found out, the dark hearts of cruel strangers still lurked in every corner. Deanna had a doctor’s appointment at the hospital one day and asked her best friend to come with her. Deanna's sister, Danielle, was assumed to have died of heart complications after childbirth, and Deanna was now showing the same symptoms after giving birth 3 months earlier. In the elevator, a couple looked at Zachary, leaned toward each other, and began whispering. Jenny breathed deep and stared ahead of her, holding in her anger. As they all exited the elevator, the couple walked behind them and began making comments louder than before. Jenny looked back at them and stared them both in their eyes. Jenny had held in her pain from these comments for so long, she had forgotten the pain was still hidden deep within her heart.
It was about 1:45 am when Jenny heard a noise in the kitchen. As she turned down the music on her computer, she saw the door unlock out of the corner of her eye and a man walked into her home. He wore a white ski mask and matching white gloves. She couldn't think, she froze, and then he pulled the gun up and pointed at her head. Jenny was pissed! "Who the hell do you think you are?!" she belted out at her gunman. He held the silver handgun against her temple and pushed hard every time she tried to shove him away. Then he covered her mouth with his hand, pushing hard in an attempt to shut her up, when he saw she was not going to stop complaining. As he put his hand over her eyes he began to yell to someone else. "Come on, hurry up man!" she heard him say over and over. A few seconds of silence, and then they fled into the woods. They got away with nothing. The police couldn't do anything to help her because the gunman left no prints behind. So Jenny’s insomnia grew even worse. Every noise in the night woke her from a dead sleep and her anxiety kept her from falling back to sleep. "What if it happens again when I'm asleep? What if they took Zach?!" She couldn't stop the worrying.
The next few months were filled with doctor visits for surgery planning. Once again they scheduled his final cleft surgery two weeks before his 3rd birthday. She hated when they did that. It just wasn't fair to Zachary. He got new ankle braces that helped his balance when he was learning to walk. It was a long road, but both Jenny and Zachary were bound and determined for him to become independent. The grin on that boy's face showed how proud of himself he was when he took steps with his mommy helping him! His therapists were pleased with his progress and now it was time to plan his transition into school. School; the word itself terrified Jenny. She couldn't come to grip with that fact her baby boy was going to be spending time at a real school without her. "What if he missed her? What if the other kids stared at him?" She thought. Jenny was reassured by the fact that he'd be going into a class with other special needs kids and he would never be alone, but still, what was she going to do with him away?!
Jenny hadn't realized how worn down she was until she began going through all of her photos. She used to look so happy and carefree, but now she felt like an ogre. There was just so much to be done and so much to worry about. Zachary was on 2 medications, vitamins for his MTHFR in the morning and allergy medication at night. Jenny was on 5 medications for insomnia, eczema, migraines, and her MTHFR. There were, at any given time, several phone calls to be made to doctors, therapists, and program coordinators. Zach had therapy for an hour 3 days a week. They had doctor appointments 4 days a month, St. Louis appointments once a month, and stacks of paperwork that needed to be filled out, signed, dated, and sent back every month. Then there was always the 'normal' things that needed done; dishes, laundry, paying bills, taking out trash, and so on. Jenny did every thing that needed done without having a job, car, or phone of her own. She was tired and stressed out, but she still got it all done. Because of Zachary's disabilities, he had a lot of developmental delays. He had to use a walker, just like the elderly, everyday. He had to get ankle braces the were the most intense kind made for children in hopes of getting him to walk before his delays worsened. Jenny was determined they would do it, even though she hated to hear him cry because he didn't want to work on his walking. She managed to return to her carefree and fun loving self after a while and even had an easier time dealing with her anxiety.
She had been meeting a lot of new people and loved that she was back 'out there'. After a week or so, though, she became worried that this would be just like every other time before. The men would only care for one thing or they would only want her as a friend. How could she be that undesirable she wondered. She felt beautiful inside and out, but thought no one else could see this. She turned her fear and pain into humor and went on about her life. The relationship with her son became better than ever in the midst of her secret fear and pain. Zachary was giving her kisses and hugs every moment that he wasn't throwing food on her clean floors! They were having late night cuddle sessions before bed. He would just look at her with such love in his eyes and she couldn't help but melt into a puddle over him. She couldn't get enough alone time with her baby boy, but knew how to separate 'mommy mode' from her own identity now.
It had been years since Jenny had endured the pain of seeing disgust on a stranger's face when they looked at her sweet child. She had forgotten that anyone would ever see him as anything but adorable, but she found out, the dark hearts of cruel strangers still lurked in every corner. Deanna had a doctor’s appointment at the hospital one day and asked her best friend to come with her. Deanna's sister, Danielle, was assumed to have died of heart complications after childbirth, and Deanna was now showing the same symptoms after giving birth 3 months earlier. In the elevator, a couple looked at Zachary, leaned toward each other, and began whispering. Jenny breathed deep and stared ahead of her, holding in her anger. As they all exited the elevator, the couple walked behind them and began making comments louder than before. Jenny looked back at them and stared them both in their eyes. Jenny had held in her pain from these comments for so long, she had forgotten the pain was still hidden deep within her heart.
It was about 1:45 am when Jenny heard a noise in the kitchen. As she turned down the music on her computer, she saw the door unlock out of the corner of her eye and a man walked into her home. He wore a white ski mask and matching white gloves. She couldn't think, she froze, and then he pulled the gun up and pointed at her head. Jenny was pissed! "Who the hell do you think you are?!" she belted out at her gunman. He held the silver handgun against her temple and pushed hard every time she tried to shove him away. Then he covered her mouth with his hand, pushing hard in an attempt to shut her up, when he saw she was not going to stop complaining. As he put his hand over her eyes he began to yell to someone else. "Come on, hurry up man!" she heard him say over and over. A few seconds of silence, and then they fled into the woods. They got away with nothing. The police couldn't do anything to help her because the gunman left no prints behind. So Jenny’s insomnia grew even worse. Every noise in the night woke her from a dead sleep and her anxiety kept her from falling back to sleep. "What if it happens again when I'm asleep? What if they took Zach?!" She couldn't stop the worrying.
The next few months were filled with doctor visits for surgery planning. Once again they scheduled his final cleft surgery two weeks before his 3rd birthday. She hated when they did that. It just wasn't fair to Zachary. He got new ankle braces that helped his balance when he was learning to walk. It was a long road, but both Jenny and Zachary were bound and determined for him to become independent. The grin on that boy's face showed how proud of himself he was when he took steps with his mommy helping him! His therapists were pleased with his progress and now it was time to plan his transition into school. School; the word itself terrified Jenny. She couldn't come to grip with that fact her baby boy was going to be spending time at a real school without her. "What if he missed her? What if the other kids stared at him?" She thought. Jenny was reassured by the fact that he'd be going into a class with other special needs kids and he would never be alone, but still, what was she going to do with him away?!
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