The beginning

As Jenny stood on the bridge, she just knew the rest of her life would be perfect. She stood there wearing jeans and a blue tank top and her hair was shimmering with glitter in a pony tail. Mark’s mom was crying her eyes out, as they knew she would, and as the preacher spoke, the world seemed to just stand still. Mark’s whole life was within this moment. He held his soon-to-be wife’s hands while listening to the preacher speak, but just couldn’t take his eyes off of her face. Her beautiful big brown eyes were the most comforting he had ever seen. Family and friends stood gathered around watching the ceremony. Less than 20 people attended and most were Mark's family. Thrown together last minute, this wedding was very casual and obviously impromptu. Their friends laughed and even made bets on how soon they would divorce, but they just knew their love would last forever.

The two 17-year-olds began their new life together as husband and wife in a small 2-bedroom public housing apartment filled with hand me down furniture and rummage sale picture frames. Mark worked full time at a pizza place for a little more than minimum wage and Jenny took on her new role as a homemaker. Although they were both now legal adults, Mark and Jenny were still just kids. Fights about absolutely nothing became a regular occasion throughout their first year. Several fights were because Jenny had a much stronger sex drive than he did. She tried everything to get her husband’s attention; lotions, lingerie, and even toys. Unfortunately, Mark was still very much into his video games, and it seemed to Jenny that the only way she'd get any intimacy from her man, was if she wore a helmet like the characters from Halo™ and painted an x-box controller on her chest.

Jenny came home after running errands one day to find a truck backed up to her home. "What the hell is going on?" she thought, confused. She got out of her car to see several boxes and furniture in the back of the truck. Mark was letting his friend Jared move in with them, but he had failed to talk with his wife about the decision beforehand. Jenny was furious, but she held it in, the best she could at least. They had an extra bedroom, but space was not what bothered Jenny about their new houseguest’s arrival. Mark was only thinking of himself and his friend, but had neglected to think of his wife’s feelings. As time went on, it became obvious by her short and angry comments, that she was still unhappy about his making such a big decision without her consultation. Mark, Jenny, and Jared learned to get along eventually. Together they threw parties, played games, and watched movies.

Mark decided he wasn’t making enough money at the pizza place so he began selling weed from home. Jenny hated it and argued with him so much before she finally gave up on reasoning with her husband. It was bad enough, to her, that he even smoked it, brought it into her home, and now he was selling it. All she could think about was that he would get busted and she would end up in jail as an accomplice even though she never smoked the stuff. Mark even did cocaine about the same time with his ex-girlfriend and her friend. The more drugs that he came into contact with, the more pissed off Jenny became.

It was a cool autumn night when the housemates decided to drink. They played board games late into the night, but Mark had to be up for work early, so after swallowing a few pills he bought from his friends, he went on to bed leaving Jared and Jenny drinking together in the living room. Jared encouraged Jenny to keep drinking, as he made comments that she couldn't keep up with him. Jenny accepted the "challenge" as she saw it and drank as much as she could before she passed out on the couch. Jenny awoke the next morning in Jared's bed with her chest burning. She looked down and saw a cigarette burn. Confused; she got up to investigate what the hell was going on. As she stood, her pants fell to the ground and she began to remember bits and pieces of the night before.

Mark was still in bed when she awoke; he had to be up in an hour for work. She saw Jared sitting in the living room talking to his underage girlfriend as if nothing weird was going on. Woozy and scared, she walked across the hall into her bedroom. She laid in bed beside her husband as fuzzy and unorganized visuals from the drunken evening before came to her mind slowly. She remembered being carried off the couch, at the time she assumed it was her loving husband taking her to bed, but she now knew that wasn't the case. At one point, while Jenny was passed out she had a brief moment of sobriety. She opened her eyes to see Jared above her on the bed, but she passed out again and unable to comprehend the situation. Jenny had been raped in her own home by her husband's friend.

The past

Jenny was no stranger to rape. She had a troubling childhood that few people knew about. At 14, Jenny and her family moved to a small village just south of their hometown. Jenny had to make all new friends, who were unfortunately her downfall. Jenny's sister, Missy, was sent to prison at 16 for armed robbery and was serving a 3-year sentence at Dwight Maximum-security prison for women. Missy's situation made things harder for the whole family. Jenny's mom, Mary, had gotten a new boyfriend, and it seemed like he would be around a while. Mary's boyfriend, Bill, was a good guy, but he and Mary got into fistfights regularly, which had a very bad effect on Jenny and her, little sister, Mandy.

Mary, in an attempt to keep the past from repeating itself, became convinced Jenny was doing the same things Missy was at her age. Mary insisted Jenny was doing dugs, drinking, and having sex, although none of that was true. The fact that her mother was constantly telling her how bad she was and the things that she thought Jenny was doing, made her want to rebel more than ever before. Jenny made friends with "the lake kids", the boys that lived in her neighborhood by the lake. Her sister, Mandy hadn't made any friends yet, and was upset that Jenny wouldn't let her hang out with her friends too. Sometimes Mandy would just sit outside playing in the dirt as she watched her older sister joke and cut-up with her friends. Jenny felt horrible when she noticed, but when she tried to involve her sister, all Mandy did was complain because they were listening to music too loud, or because someone was smoking. One of the boys, Brandon, broke into an abandoned trailer and invited all the kids to come there to hang out. Mary heard gossip about this trailer and called the police, which resulted in Jenny having a juvenile record. Jenny was now a 14-year-old juvenile delinquent. She was put on probation and had to do community service for 18 months.

In those 18 months, Jenny became a "cutter". She self-injured in an attempt to remind herself not to make the same mistakes twice. It was something she did to relieve the pain and anger she felt boiling up inside of her. She began wearing hooded sweaters all of the time to cover the marks she left on her arms. After her mom realized Jenny was cutting, she phoned her probation officer and the school. Jenny had to be checked for fresh cuts on a regular basis at her probation officer’s office. She would be ordered to wear only tank tops to her meetings and explain any new scratches. She also had to start seeing a special counselor at school each day for 30 minutes to help her deal with her emotions better.

"Wrong With Me
What is it that I do
To make it all go away
What I do hurts me too
But in a different way
So what can I do
To keep the pain at bay
It gets me dirty looks from you
But there's nothing you will say
Well, what do I do
To get myself free
You never even knew
There was something wrong with me"

Away from the "lake kids"

Mary moved the kids into town, away from "the lake kids". Jenny was determined to change her life, she made new friends, well, and actually, she only made one friend. Deanna and Jenny were instantly inseparable. Deanna's mom, Brenda, was like a second mom to Jenny. She loved her so much for showing her that different is okay and Brenda was there to listen to Jenny even when everyone else just blew her off as a rebelling teenager. Jenny had a secret crush on Danielle & Deanna's brother, Derek, but she didn't even try for him, he seemed uninterested. Little did she know, "Mom Brenda" had been trying since they moved there to get her and Derek together, but he refused because she was what he called a "freak". She wore dark clothing that didn't show off her body and black nail polish.

Jenny met some of Deanna's friends; one in particular caught her eye, Scotty. Although Scotty and Jenny didn't date, they were friends and he introduced her to his aunt, Becky, who lived in the same small town. Becky had two little girls and offered to pay Jenny to baby-sit on occasion. Jenny and Mary became more like enemies than mother and daughter. During one of their regular arguments, Mary screamed, "Just get the screw out and don't ever come back!" Jenny took the hint and went to Becky's house. Jenny was more like a live-in babysitter than anything while she lived there. She was left almost everyday with the two girls, cooking, cleaning, and watching two kids, not what a normal 15 year old would be doing. On top of all that, Jenny was still on probation, doing community service, as well as counseling. Becky was not as responsible as Jenny had thought. She let Jenny drink, smoke, take pills, and have sex.

Jenny and Becky's nephew, Scotty, had finally gotten together. She was in love for the first time. She wrote him letters and poems almost on a daily basis when they couldn’t spend time together. When Mary found out about their relationship she refused to allow them to be together because he was 18, and even threatened to call the police. Eventually this caused enough arguments between Mary and Scotty's family that they were forced to break up.

In the midst of all the drama, Becky invited over her boyfriend and his 19-year-old son, Frankie. Becky pushed the two teenagers together as much as she could, and Jenny ended up dating Frankie for a couple days until he raped her. She kept refusing to have unprotected sex with him, but he had no condoms and wasn't willing to listen. He took her shirt off, the shirt Scotty had given her, held her down and raped her. Becky had gone back to her boyfriend's house for the night, and left Jenny alone with Frankie, who was drunk and on pills. She laid in the bed, terrified, grasping tightly to the blankets, and trying not to cry to loud and awake her assailant. When Mary showed up the next week, Becky mentioned to her that Jenny claimed she was raped. Mary asked Jenny if it was true, and when she said yes, all Mary did was hug her daughter and tell her it was going to be okay.
Jenny moved in with a friend of the family, Cindy, and continued her probation, community service, and counseling and her grades got better. She turned 16 while she lived there. She went to see her friend, Tom, who she met through Becky, on her birthday. Tom’s girlfriend, Samantha, picked her up from Cindy’s house and they went to her and Tom’s house. He showed her the cake he and his girlfriend baked for her. Then he laid her on the bed and raped her while his girlfriend watched. Jenny spent half of her 16th birthday in in-school detention for missing so much school when she lived with Becky, and the other half of it being raped.

“Forsaken
Trapped
In pain
Abused
Unclean
Fighting harder
makes it worse
screaming louder
doesn't work
Vicious
like a rabid dog
knocked around
thrown and thrashed
holds me down
strips me bare
I'm alone
and no one cares
I give up
too tired to fight
play dead- he'll go away
I just want to live through the night
he doesn't leave
but when he's done
wipes me off
lays beside me
covers himself up
then whispers he loves me
and into sleep drifts off
I lie still
try not to make a noise
cold and bare
mom warned me about boys
afraid to move
afraid to breathe
in my dreams only way to leave
wakes me up
ready for another round
grabs my hair
pushes me down
I'm choking
cant breathe
so afraid
save me
save me please"

Forsaken Part Two

Here we go once again
How could he
I thought he was my friend
First so innocent
Joking, flirting
Touching, hugging
Ok stop
Kissing, licking
I said stop
Kicking, hitting
Yell again
Stop it now
I have to go
Grabbing, holding
No more
Pushing, shoving
Holds me down
Jeans come off
Pushes me down
Face in the bed
Very little air
I just want to be dead
A different guy
No different story
I want to die
But how could he?
Licking, sucking
Twice my age
So disgusting
Twice my strength
Grab the sheets
Block out the pain
Grabs my feet
Turns me over
Pushes aside me head
His girl's passed out
Beside the bed
Block it out
Ignore the pain
Pushes hard
No, no more
Doesn't care
Bites my breast
Covers my mouth
Pushes harder
Takes it out
But tries another
Doesn't fit
Please no
Stop it
Crying so hard
Can't breathe
Stops
Throws me to the side
Flings a towel
And my clothes
Says get dressed
And into the kitchen he goes
His girl now gets up
She goes with him
Wraps my birthday cake up
To take home with me
I get dressed
And get off the bed
He says it was the best
And then he said
Happy sixteenth birthday
As he tucks money for smokes
Into my pocket
Real sweet"

Falling in love

It was apparent that Jenny did not have anywhere to go where she would be controlled and taken care of. Because she was still on probation, the lawyers and attorneys were talking about making her a ward of the court and sending her into foster care. They said that she would not be allowed contact with any friends or family while in the court’s custody but Jenny didn’t want that, so she decided she might give her father a call. She didn't know much about him except what her mother said over the years, which was all very bad. Mary told her kids that their father had molested both Missy and Mandy when they were young, and that was why they didn't know him. Mary moved so many times throughout the years and never told Eddie where they were in hopes of protecting them from him. In 12 years, her family had lived in 6 different cities and dozens of different apartments and trailers.

The few memories Jenny had of her father were short and fuzzy. She remembered dancing with him when she was still in diapers. Her little sister, Mandy, was a newborn, and sat in the car seat near the couch as their mother and father danced with Jenny around the living room listening to Tommy Roe's song, 'Dizzy'. After their mom and dad split up, Jenny remembered her father coming to visit. He brought her a paint set knowing how much she loved art. She also remembered that she felt hatred for her father back then because of all her mother told her about him so she threw the paint set down and ran back to her bedroom until he left. Looking back, Jenny felt horrendous for acting in such an ungrateful way and wished she could go back and fix the situation.

Jenny had 2 weeks before she would be moving in with her father over 2 hours from all she had ever known as home and she spent the time staying with her older sister, Missy. It was Herrinfesta time, a weekend long fair held every year to celebrate the town's Italian heritage. Jenny couldn't miss that! One day, Missy sent Jenny across the street to get snow cones at Tropical Sno. As she walked across the street, she recognized someone. As she got closer she could see plain as day, it was Mark Shore! She got her snow cone and walked toward him. Once he realized it was Jenny he headed toward her with arms outstretched, but wasn't greeted with a hug. Instead, Jenny playfully threw some of her snow cone right onto his neck and as he started to complain about it, Jenny walked up to him and licked it off! They laughed, hugged, and started catching up. Over the next 2 weeks, Mark and Jenny were constantly by each other's side. Since the young love birds were practically inseparable, they decided to try a long distance relationship once she moved to her dad's. Jenny and Mark talked on the phone and internet for hour’s everyday. His parents came to pick her up every other weekend to stay with them. Jenny had fallen deeply in love.

Beneath the stars

Meet me beneath the stars tonight
Although you're far away
In my dreams I'll hold you tight
As I wish I could everyday
Escape to my thoughts
Run away from here
In my dreams I am lost
Just wishing you were near
But keep in mind
As you sleep
We'll be spending time
And your love, I'll keep
Beneath the stars, in our dreams.

Jenny and her father got along pretty good aside from his constant lecturing. The one thing that bothered Jenny was that he hugged her and touched her shoulder sometimes. Although he meant nothing by it, Jenny still wasn't dealing very well with the rapes or with the stories about her father's past. Her main problem while living there was with her step mom, whom she loved dearly, but they just didn't communicate very well. Once again, the courts stepped in and said that if Jenny didn't work it out with her father she would go into foster care, in which she would not be allowed to communicate with her friends or family until she turned 18. Jenny and Mark were already talking about marriage anyway, so when this came up, they decided it was right. He gave Jenny her birthday present, an engagement ring. It was gold with an orange stone, Jenny's favorite color. She was so excited that she showed off her ring as often as she could. Mark came up for Jenny's junior prom. Jenny felt horrible; she had come down with a bad cold the day before her prom, which was on Valentine's Day. As they sat at the dance, Mark slid a candy heart over to Jenny. It said "Marry Me". Jenny laughed it off, until he said, “Really, will you?” It was official, they were getting married.

Jenny showed off her engagement ring everywhere she could. She told all her friends at school, showing off her ring and photos. She grinned ear to ear whenever anyone asked about her approaching wedding day. She joked that since they had no money, the wedding reception would be held at McDonald's and everyone could order off of the dollar menu! She didn't invite any friends and only invited immediate family. She couldn't afford a dress and Mark couldn't afford a tuxedo, so they planned to make due with the dressiest clothes they had.

Silhouette Winter 2003

Jenny told her husband what happened with Jared, expecting him to kick his "friend" out immediately and hold her as she cried, but that didn't happen. Mark said he would talk to Jared about it when the time was right, but he didn't want to cause a big scene about it. Jenny was furious that her husband wouldn't take up for her, so she left.

Jenny left for her Aunt Molly’s house an hour away, where her mom was already staying. Jenny and Mary, as well as Mary’s other daughters, were always welcomed with open arms. “Family takes care of Family” was the motto. Jenny and her younger cousin, Sabrina, spent hours a day walking around town and talking. She hadn’t been around her cousins in years and it took her a little while to realize her cousins grew up, just like she did. Her other cousin, Shain, spent a lot of time trying to comfort her about her husband back home. He may have never been married, but a lot of what he said was strangely insightful. Aunt Molly was like a second mother to Jenny, and had even helped raise her and her sisters when they were younger. Good ole Uncle Vic was always around somewhere, and couldn’t get over how grown up Jenny was then.

More than a month after Jenny went to her aunt’s house, her husband finally has Jared move out, but Mark was still friends with him! Jenny couldn't believe it, but she just held in her frustration and moved on with her life. Mark and Jenny had been intimate with no protection for 9 months, but had yet to see a positive pregnancy test. Jenny desperately wanted a baby. Deep inside she wanted a child to make up for the attention Mark would not give her. Many times Jenny would start crying at the sight of a baby on TV. This was around the same time Jenny's older sister, Missy, who already had one little boy, was pregnant with her second. Missy invited Jenny over to see the baby's room, and all Jenny could do was cry when she walked in. She felt horrible for ruining her sister's special occasion, but she just could not hold it in. Now that Mark and Jenny had a goal, they were intimate much more often, and that in turn made the fights occur less often. Late at night on November 5th, Jenny received a frantic phone call from Missy telling her to get to the hospital. It was time. As Jenny peered into the nursery, once again she couldn't hold in the tears. Many of those tears were from jealousy. "How could one person, no better or worse than me, have not one, but two babies and here I am, with none?”

January 2004

Jenny's little sister, Mandy, was now a teenager, almost an adult, but there were times that she still needed her bigger sister to help her out. One night, Mandy went with Jenny, Mark, and some friends to play pool at the local bowling alley. Roxy, Mark's ex-girlfriend, didn't like Jenny at all. According to Mandy, she had said that she thought she should've been the one to marry Mark and that Jenny was too much of a whore to be with him. Roxy showed up at the bowling alley and stood outside talking to her friends. As Jenny and Mark went home, Roxy and her friends went inside and Mandy said they began harassing her. Jenny was irate when she got the phone call from her baby sister, crying her little eyes out, telling her that Roxy and her friends tried to jump her as soon as they left. Jenny threw her shoes and jacket on, and went straight out of the door. Mark was running behind her telling her to calm down because he didn't have the money to bail her out of jail. Jenny kept telling her husband that she had no intention to start a fight, but that she simply wanted to end the argument between Roxy and Mandy. Steve was one of Mark and Jenny's best friends, but he was also a friend of Roxy's. Jenny sent him down the block to Roxy's apartment and had him ask her to come outside and talk to her. She really did just want to talk. She wanted to calmly discuss what all the arguing was about and find out why she had a problem with Mandy. As Roxy walked out, she had all of her friends surround Jenny. "What's going on with you and Mandy? What's the problem?" Jenny asked calmly. "You're just a fucking whore, you dirty skank!" Roxy belted out. Confused, Jenny asked her question again only to be answered with the same type of derogatory comment completely unrelated to the subject at hand. "I know you're cheating on him and I hope he comes home one day and finds you in bed with another guy, you stupid slut!" she screeched to Jenny. At this point, it’s assumed that no one has the same story as to what happened. Someone mixed up in this whole mess wasn't telling the whole truth, and now, everyone was mad about things that might not have even been true. "Okay, me and Mark have nothing to do with this; all I'm here to talk about is Mandy." Replied Jenny, a little more irritated than before. Roxy retorted with another pointless insult to which Jenny said, "You know what, you're just a jealous bitch, so back off and find your own damn man!" "I don't need your man, I got my own man!" Roxy yelled back. "Whatever, you're just a jealous, bitch!" Jenny yelled. At that point Roxy pushed Jenny to the ground, grabbed her jacket hood, and began to punch her repeatedly in the back of the neck. Jenny couldn't even feel her punches at this point; her anger had numbed her completely. Because of the way Roxy was holding her hood, Jenny couldn't raise her right arm. So, Jenny got her footing, held Roxy's necklace, and punched her in the face as hard as she could. Then Mark pulled her off of Roxy and walked her back home as they heard the sirens heading their way. When the cops arrived, Jenny was being reprimanded by them, but she didn't understand why. She hadn't gone there to fight, she simply wanted to talk, but they said that because Roxy was underage, and Jenny went to her apartment, it was her fault. "And from the looks of her face, and looking at you, you don't seem to be hurt at all, while she's sitting down there with a busted up face." said one cop. Jenny got a little smile, but stopped it when she saw the looks on the cops' faces. It must have been Jenny's wedding ring that caused most of the damage.

Later that evening, someone came to the door saying that Trenton was outside and wanted to talk to Mark. Mark and Steve were in the other room listening to music, so Jenny threw her shoes back on and went straight out the door again. No one was going to mess with her man and that's all there was to it. Missy and Mandy were there to check on Jenny, so when Jenny ran out of the door, they ran to tell Mark what was happening. As Jenny ran out of the door, she was met halfway through the yard with a group of around 15 underage boys with makeshift weapons. She hadn't noticed at first, though, so her first instinct was to take out the person in front of the group with a "ball twist". As her hand headed in the direction, she planned her impact she saw the pipe in the air. She quickly drew her arm back and stood in front of them. "You have no reason to be here, now get out of my yard now" Jenny stated firmly. The group began yelling obscenities in general and backed her up to her front door. Mark had finally appeared at the door behind her and he came outside and stood behind his wife, who stood in front of the mass of armed pre-teen boys. One boy began hitting Jenny with his crutch, but she just looked down at him and laughed. Trenton, who stood directly in front of Jenny, raised a pipe in the air and swung it toward Mark, behind Jenny. She grabbed the pipe mid-air and told him "Get the hell away from my husband before I beat the living hell out of you, boy!" Mark got nervous and finally realized he should get his wife to safety. As he turned his back to let Jenny inside the house, Jenny heard glass shatter and saw small dark pieces of…something…flying around her. Someone slammed the door shut and Mark ran to the bathroom. Jenny still wasn't sure what had just happened, but instinctively grabbed a metal bat, and headed out the door again. Luckily, Mandy jumped in front of her and blocked her from going back out there. Mark emerged from the bathroom with a washcloth on his head and blood dripping down his face. He was on the phone with the cops requesting an ambulance and officers to come. It was a beer bottle that had busted against Mark's head when he turned his back. Jenny just thought that if Mark had only stayed inside and let her handle it, none of this would've happened. One person said that someone was telling the group of guys that Mark was the one that messed Roxy's face up, so they wanted revenge, but later down the road, word came that Mark was attacked because he threatened one of the guys. After everything calmed down, Mandy graduated high school and never had to be around Roxy again. Trenton and his family are to this day paying restitution fees for Mark's medical bills from getting 3 staples in his head.

February 2004

Still without child, Mark and Jenny had given up most, but not all hope. They often had Missy's boys over to stay the night, but of course, it was not the same as having one of their own. Jenny became convinced it was impossible for them to conceive a child together. She mostly blamed it on Mark's constant marijuana usage, which causes low sperm counts. Jenny charted and researched all that she could to no avail in creating life, or so she thought. A week before Valentine's Day, Jenny became violently sick. She couldn't eat or drink anything without getting sick to her stomach. She screamed that she was going to die from food poisoning. On their way to Missy's for a movie night, Mark and Jenny stopped off at the grocery store for some popcorn. With Jenny still sick, they decided to go ahead and buy yet another pregnancy test, assuming it would be negative, but praying just once it would read positive. Missy and her husband Ronnie popped the popcorn, Mark put the movie in, and Jenny went to take her test. She bought some dill pickle flavor chips at the store and had yet to put them down since they walked out of the grocery store. Jenny placed the test on the kitchen table, and sat down with her chips to watch the movie. Mark stood up and eagerly awaited the test result. In some part of his mind, he somehow knew this test would be different. As Jenny munched on her chips, Mark said, "Honey, come here". "Why?" she asked. He urged her to get up and come to the table, maybe it was the hormones or her stubbornness, but she refused, she was comfortable and nothing was going to get her off that couch! "Honey, you're pregnant!" Mark belted out. A chip fell out of Jenny's mouth as she went into some form of shock. "What?!" Mark sat down next to his pregnant wife and just held her hand. Missy had to break the stunned silence and make fun of Jenny's choice in chip flavor! They both sat there with the same thought running through their minds, simply: "We're having a baby".

The pregnancy, Feb-Aug 2004

The first doctor visit was unbelievable. They could finally see evidence of something they thought impossible, a child of their own. Their eyes watered up as they listened to their baby's heartbeat, but they both grinned from ear to ear when they saw the tiny little being on the ultrasound monitor. Jenny was pregnant for almost 2 months before she even knew it. She had apparently conceived in the week between her 18th birthday and Christmas. "The most wonderful gift I could ever ask for", she thought. Mark and Jenny went in for the ultrasound in which they were going to find out their baby's gender. Mark had to be out of the room at first, but when he came back in, the nurse was able to tell them. She let them try to guess before she told them and they guessed it was a girl, but were wrong. They were having a baby boy! The young couple needed to decide on a name for this wonderful baby boy. Jenny grabbed a phone book, and together they went through looking at all the names, writing down the ones they liked. They ended up with a list of about 15 names. The baby's middle name had already been decided, Randell, after Mark's favorite uncle. Now the next task was to pair it with a first name. Zachary, perfect. Zachary, to be remembered by God in Hebrew. The pregnancy was fine, everything according to schedule until she hit 8 months. On a regular visit, Jenny's doctor said that the baby hadn't been growing and that she was becoming worried. Therefore, the doctor sent Jenny over for an ultrasound to check all the baby's measurements.

 

Mark was at work that day, so his mom, Sharon, had come with her. Jenny asked Sharon to please call Mark and tell him something was wrong and he needed to leave work to be there with her. As the nurse did the ultrasound, no one was allowed to come into the room. Jenny was terrified that her baby was dead, and she had no one in the room to calm and comfort her. Mark had arrived and was waiting with his mother in the waiting room. He was so irritated that no one would allow him to enter the room where his wife was, he had already gotten into a verbal argument with at least one doctor by the time Jenny emerged from the ultrasound room. She walked over to her husband and handed him the ultrasound photos as she hugged him tightly. The baby, Zachary, was fine; he was just small for his gestational age. Unfortunately, that wasn't the only odd thing. Apparently, Jenny's water was leaking out slowly, and her water was at 4.5 instead of 5. This had the doctors immensely worried. Jenny's doctor ordered her to come back to the hospital at 8 am the next morning for a follow up ultrasound and non-stress test. Mark and Jenny returned home to begin making plans. Jenny was in hysterics, terrified she would lose her precious child.

Mark did everything imaginable to make things easier on his wife. He made the phone calls to their immediate families to report the news. Jenny's older sister, Missy, made all of the phone calls to cancel the baby shower. Everyone that was invited became very frightened by that and called to check on Jenny, and although she appreciated everyone's concern, it was making things worse for her. Every time the phone rang, Jenny started crying before picking up, knowing they would remind her of how terrifying the situation was. That night, Mark took Jenny out to play pool. They both needed a break and needed to take their minds off the baby.

The birth, 8 a.m. 24th August 2004

We went to the Hospital to do another sonogram and another non-stress test. During the sonogram, the tech was very quiet and seemed worried. She called in another tech to verify something, but wouldn't tell us what. She walked me up to the room for the non-stress test. We got into the room and started the non-stress test. We saw that his heart rate was dropping way too much and way too fast. In came a bunch of doctors and nurses and the person that gives you the spinal. They made me put on an oxygen mask and swallow some nasty medicine. They Got the IV ready and made me sign a paper for something. I wasn't really sure what was going on. I was Scared! It still makes me cry to think about his birth. They threw some scrubs at Mark, told him to get them on and fast. Then they pushed me out of the room and just left Mark- As they rushed me to the operating room. I don't think I have ever been so terrified in my entire life. My entire existence was within this moment. They told me as all this was happening that I had no amniotic fluid left, and that Zach's heart rate was dropping too much and he was in fetal distress. They had to do an emergency C-section right then or he would die. They had tried to airlift me to St. Louis to deliver, but the weather there was too bad and they didn't want to wait for an ambulance. They put me on the operating table, made me sit straight up and bend my head down, with my shoulders straight so they could do the spinal. Mark still wasn't there. I started crying so hard, begging for Mark. "I want my husband, please, where's my husband?" They said he could not be in there until I was prepped for surgery. They stuck a needle in my spine- numbing almost my whole body- chest and down. They strapped my arms down to the table and put a curtain in front of me. Mark finally came in. I looked at him and asked, "What are they doing to me?" He said, "I can't tell you that, baby. It's going to be okay." That's when I started shaking even more than I had been since all the doctors bombarded me in the room. As soon as Zach came out, the entire room fell deadly silent. I didn't notice at first, I was concentrating on why I didn't hear my son crying. He finally made a little whimper, not even a real cry. I looked at Mark, he looked at me, and of course, I cried! My baby is alive! I'm crying now, as I write this! The doctor finally came over to my side of that damn sheet. He asked us, "Did you know about the problems?" One doctor answered," No, we didn't know anything." My world kind of just stopped. Like God hit the pause button. He continued to tell us what was wrong, "Your son was born with cleft lip and palate, and he is missing his right arm." --so I am thinking…"Okay- cleft lip- that’s no big, they have those cute little kids on Montel all the time!... what.. wait.. huh? No right arm? Is that for real? I don't get it.. how could it.. but why... Is this real? I feel like I'm in a lifetime movie…" Then they wrapped Zachary in a blanket, brought him over to Mark. They showed Mark what he looked like, and let him leave just that second to go with Zach to the nursery. I didn't get to see him or touch him. That hurts so bad, you have no idea. I don't think I'll ever get over that.

Next, I was wheeled into the recovery room- Mark came in periodically to tell me how cute our little boy was, that he was okay, and what family had came to see him. The clergy guy came in.. I have no idea what he was saying to me, I wasn't listening. I was so cold, they had to keep bringing in tons of blankets from the dryer to wrap all around me. By the time Mark came back down again, he said I looked like an Eskimo! Finally, when I could wiggle my toes, they wheeled me upstairs- right past the nursery where my baby was. Right past it. I got to my room- The first to come in was my older sister, Missy. I'll never forget that. She came in and her first words were.. "Hi, Honey, Do you want me to call Montel?" She made me smile, and I love her so much- she probably doesn't even remember that! But, I do. I started to laugh, but it hurt so badly. Next came everyone else, my mom, my little sister, sister-in-law, mother-in-law, and father-in-law. But not my son. My entire family saw my son- touched my son and took pictures of my son, before I got to do any of that. I am his mother. And I was the last one to see or touch him. You don't get to re-do your child's birth. 5 hours after he was born, they brought him in to see me. Only for about half of a minute before they drove him by ambulance to St. Louis. Just before they took him from me, my little sister, Mandy, grabbed a disposable camera out of my purse. It only had one picture left on it, and she took a picture of me and my son. She'll never know how much that means to me! I couldn't do anything but cry while I held my tiny baby. They took him away and took him to St. Louis. Cardinal Glennon Children's Hospital. Mark and I stayed in the hospital for 2 extra days to make sure I had no complications from the C-section. I just couldn't stop myself from constantly telling Mark how much I truly loved him. Over and over, it's all I could say. I couldn't bear to say that I'm afraid our son will die, or that I'm scared to raise a baby with so many problems. Mark got mad at me for it. He told me that "I love you" was getting on his nerves and asked me to please stop it. What happened to my husband? I wish I knew where exactly things changed. My baby boy was born 5 weeks premature, weighing 3 lbs. 12.5 oz., measuring 18 in. long, with a severe complete bilateral cleft lip and palate, congenital absence of the right arm, and a heart murmur. After he went to St. Louis, I was bombarded with program directors for special needs kids. There I was lying in a hospital bed, doped up on morphine and in horrendous pain, and people were trying to have serious conversations with me! I couldn't tell you who any of them were, what programs they represented, or what the hell I said to them, but it all worked out I guess."

Tiny Zachary stayed in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit at Cardinal Glennon for the first 2 weeks of his life. His mommy and daddy were at his side as often as the nurses let them be, but mommy held him for every moment she could. Mark and Jenny got a kind of 'crash course' on pediatrics once they got to St. Louis. They spent half an hour every 3 hours learning how to feed their special baby boy. Jenny changed every single diaper, every outfit her little boy spit up on, and even pumped her breast milk every 3 hours so she could bottle feed Zach her breast milk. After many CT scans, blood tests, and puke baths, the brand new family faced another hurdle. At almost 2 weeks old the doctors diagnosed Zachary with hydrocephalus, which is when spinal fluid accumulates and builds pressure against the brain. Jenny's 3 pound baby boy was sent in for his first brain surgery at 2 weeks old. The doctors explained what they were going to do using pictures and books about the temporary VP shunt they were going to put inside her baby's head. Mark stood against the wall and sobbed so loud that all the nurses on the floor looked to see what was going on. They had hoped their newborn would be going home that week, but instead he was going to have brain surgery.

After they placed the tube in his head, the hospital sent Zachary home with his parents. Mark and Jenny were home for almost 2 weeks when they finally got out of the house. Jenny was terrified to be away from her son, but she knew she needed time away, so she let his grandma baby sit. The new parents went to see the concert for Solovus' CD release party where they sang Jenny's favorite song, "That's Okay", and even dedicated it to her and her new family. After the show, Mark and Jenny went to pick up Zachary. As Jenny leaned down to put his shirt on him, she saw that Zachary had liquid coming from the stitches in his head. "Mom, he's leaking!" Jenny yelled to her mother-in-law. "No, he just peed all over the place, it's probably just pee." she answered. "No, mom, it's coming out of his head right now! The stitches are leaking spinal fluid!" Jenny was frantic. Mark did as she asked and called Cardinal Glennon to ask what to do. After 5 minutes, the whole family, mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, and Zach, were back on the road.

Once they got to the emergency room in St. Louis, Zach went in for another CT scan. The attending neurosurgeon stitched his head back up and told the parents to wait until morning to talk to his doctor. The next morning Zachary was sent in for a second brain surgery. This time he was one month old and the VP shunt would be permanent, going from his head and coiling in his stomach lining.

One day Mark and Jenny got a letter in the mail from the hospital. The genetics team of doctors had found something in Zach's blood and requested that they have blood drawn and tested as well. Once the results came back, they knew that all 3 of them had a form of MTHFR. It was a DNA gene mutation that had something to do with folic acid. Mark was the carrier of the gene, having 1 copy of a mutation, Jenny had 2 copies of a different mutation, and Zach had one of each. Jenny and Zachary both began taking vitamin supplements every day to avoid any of the adverse effects the disorder could cause, including stroke, heart problems, and blood clots. Mark's form of the disorder had no effect on his health, but his doctor told him it is still a good idea to take aspirin once a day any way.

New beginnings, Fall 2004

Mark and Jenny were now blessed with a truly special gift. They were so elated to have been given the chance to raise such an amazing little fighter, but still could not see why God thought them to be fit for this precious little life. Mark and Jenny became Zachary Randell Shore's parents. Now began their new life as parents of a disabled baby. They knew things would be tough, but they were up for the challenge. With the news of Zachary's disabilities, the community did their part to help the young family. The fire department held a chili supper in his name and raised money for his trips to the St. Louis hospital. Donation cans were set up around town, countless churches put Zachary and his parents on their prayer lists, and he was even mentioned in a local newspaper. Zachary was such a happy baby, only crying when he was hungry or in pain. His cleft made feedings harder since he couldn't close his lips to create suction to suck from a bottle. Instead of using a regular bottle, he used a Haber-man bottle. Mark's mom, Sharon, now referred to as Gramma, deemed it to be called the squeezy bottle. Everything seemed to have new names now that the baby was here. Jenny was mom, Mark was Dad, Sharon was Gramma, Mary was Framma, the spare room was now Zach's room, and so on. Even their living room had changed. It now looked more like a toy store than anything, but Jenny couldn't have been happier.

Sooner Or later

Sooner or later
You will come to me
Sooner or later
You'll have some questions for me
Sooner or later
I will have to explain
Sooner or later
You'll know you're not plain
Sooner or later
You'll want to know why
Sooner or later
You will make me cry
Sooner or later
I'll let you know
That god made you special
To let everyone know
That there is hope
Life isn't that bad
You can cope
Just take my hand
Baby, don't be sad
That you were made a special way
Be happy, be glad
We love you this way!
Never change my little boy
I want you just as you are
Don't be sad my baby boy
You've already come so far!

First visit to Gramma's house

Their first visit after he came home was to Gramma’s house. Jenny’s mom, Mary, was absolutely amazed by her very special grandson and believed that he was a gift to her special daughter. “He won’t give you any more than you can handle, honey. People say it all the time, and even though I never was very sure of it, I can see it in you now. You’re meant to be this baby’s mommy, and I’m so proud of both of you!” she said holding her sobbing daughter. Jenny never said it, but she believed Zachary coming into their lives was what saved her mother, without him, she wasn’t sure her mom would have made it much longer in this world.

Mark was laid off when Zachary was born, so now neither of them were working. With so many therapists, doctors, and program coordinators Jenny had no time to think let alone find a job. She tried her best to make ends meat by selling off old belongings on the internet, having yard sales, babysitting, and cleaning houses. She did the best she could trying to fix her marriage while juggling everything else that was going on, but it didn't seem to work. Mark became entranced in his X-box more than ever, and you'd rarely see him doing anything but playing it. One night in particular, Jenny made a nice, big, home-cooked dinner for the two of them. She went and picked him up from his friends house, and when they got home, she had their plates made, sitting on the table with candles. She was trying her best to have just one romantic evening with her man, but he didn't notice. Jenny lit the candles and Mark grabbed a plate, and sat down in front of the TV to eat. She blew out the candles, sat down and slowly began to eat her meal as she became angrier every minute that he didn't bother to look her way. When he finally realized something was wrong, she had already given up on the romantic night. Jenny put her plate in the kitchen, and sat at the computer to write a poem, just for him, just for that night.

Honey-Do List

Take me out
Cuddle with me
Watch a movie
Just be with me
Kiss me
Go on a walk
Hug me
Sit and talk
I don't ask for much
Just your attention
Just your time
Just your love
Why can't you
Give this to me
Why can't you
Just love me?

Aunt Sandy

Jenny's Aunt Sandy always made her family's thanksgiving. Jenny looked forward to it every year when Aunt Sandy would hide away a piece of pumpkin pie just to make sure she would get some. It was about that time again, and Jenny couldn't wait to see everyone. None of her family from out of town had seen Zachary yet, so Jenny couldn't wait to show off her special baby boy. She knew her Aunt Sandy would have a special place in her heart for her baby boy. She just knew they would be best friends as he got older and she couldn't wait for him to get to know her and love her as much as Jenny did. Just before thanksgiving, Jenny got a phone call. Aunt Sandy was sick again. She had a breast removed before when she won her battle with cancer. Jenny dreaded those phone calls, nothing good ever followed them. She took her son, husband, mom, and sisters to the hospital to see Aunt Sandy. She was barely able to breathe without the oxygen mask, but she still managed to ask if they were all coming down for thanksgiving. Her Aunt Sandy was too sick to have visitors for extended periods of time, so Jenny wasn't able to take Zachary in to meet her. Jenny put some photos of her son in the room, and closed the door so she could rest.

Almost exactly a week later, Jenny got another phone call. "Mom's dead. Mom's dead." Jenny's cousin Shelly sobbed on the phone before quickly hanging up. Jenny didn't cry. She refused. She had to be strong. Mark looked at her, saw the look, and knew. The same look she had on her face just 6 months ago. She got the same phone call from her Aunt Sandy about her Pa-Pa. Mark knew, but he didn't know what to do. He tried to hold her and let her cry, but she couldn't. She had to make the phone calls. She had to be strong and hold it together. "Mom?" Jenny asked on the phone. "Yeah, baby, what's going on?" Mary asked assuming Jenny just wanted to chat. "Mom, Aunt Sandy's gone, mom" Jenny tried not to cry, but she couldn't hold it in once she heard her mother break into tears. Jenny made the other 2 calls she had to make to her sisters before she laid back into bed and cried herself back to sleep. Jenny let the wake and funeral become a blur. Her husband took the wheel of her life and handled everything for her. Jenny hated God with every part of her soul. He was torturing her.

Even through all the pain she felt, she saw her little boy was growing up so fast! He was cooing, and rolling. Jenny couldn't believe her eyes at how big he was getting. His first surgery for his cleft was horrible. The doctors scheduled it less than 2 weeks before his 1st birthday. Jenny adapted and held his party 2 weeks early so that he could enjoy his cake. Everyone came to his party including family from out of town that had never seen him before. Jenny was extremely stressed and could barely pull herself together long enough to be around all those people at once. After Zachary's birth, her anxiety was very bad. Everyone always stared, making Jenny more self-conscience than ever before.

The beginning of the end, Winter 2004

Jenny got a job with her sister, Missy, doing janitorial work. She absolutely loved her job. Her boss was unbelievable! Sherri was so understanding and sweet, but still firm and dominant. Jenny got pretty good pay and was able to adjust her work schedule to work around Zachary's doctor schedule. She asked her boss to consider hiring her husband, Mark, and he got the job. Mark only worked there for about a month before he was shown on camera skimping on his work duties. When confronted, Mark blew up. He stormed into the office screaming at Sherri, but left before the cops arrived. Jenny wasn't scheduled for work at all after that. Several months later, Jenny got a job witnessing a local burger joint. She was nervous; anxiety isn't a good thing to have when you're going to be around people every minute of the day. Once again, she suggested to her boss to give her husband a chance, but after his very first day, he was fired. The boss said that he was too cocky. He made comments about being able to run the whole restaurant by himself.

Jenny was terrified her precious little boy would get sick if she took him out into the weather too often, so she didn't take him out very often until it started warming up. She got her first glimpse into the deep dark side of the human heart. At the mall one day a little girl walked by Jenny and Zachary. She looked at the special little boy and in disgust remarked, "Ewww, Mommy look at that!" Jenny was devastated. How could she subject her child to hearing such cruel things just by going shopping? Later that day in the food court, a woman stared at her son again. The woman knew the difference between right and wrong, unlike the little girl. The woman stared at Zachary as she passed and without even thinking about the fact that his mother stood right there, she gasped and walked away faster. How could people be so cold hearted?

On June 4th the phone rang again. Another death in Jenny's family. Her cousin, Johnny and his fiancé, Suprene were expecting a baby boy, but he was stillborn at 7 months. Jenny believed that this baby was going to bring the family back together since Aunt Sandy was gone, but now there wasn't a chance for that. Once again, the family got in the car and went to Rose Hill Cemetery to put another family member in the ground. Jenny and Mark barely knew each other at this point. He was gone all night every night getting high with his friends as Jenny sat at home with the baby. She began to resent him for it, for everything. Eventually, Jenny sat down with her husband for a talk. She explained to him that when the day came that they got a divorce she wanted things to end smoothly. Mark agreed and together they made decisions on how to handle a divorce. Now that they had a plan for the worst, Jenny wanted to make a plan for the better. She talked with Mark as often as she could about anything at all. She didn't complain about him being out with his friends and she even tried to learn how to play his x-box.

Zachary's first cleft surgery was in May. Mark held their son as they walked 2 blocks from the Ronald McDonald House to Cardinal Glennon. Little Zach looked up at the huge hospital as if he knew what was going to happen. Mark took their things to the hospital room as Jenny took Zach to be checked in. The nurse weighed and measured him. As she started to take his blood pressure, she stopped and asked to do it on his other arm. As she reached for Zach's right arm, Jenny said "He doesn't have one" in a chuckle. The nurse was obviously embarrassed, but Jenny assured her it was okay and she even thought it was funny. Jenny was terrified and her only thought was that they were going to take away her baby's beautiful special smile. She loved his smile and wasn't ready for such a big change, but knew that they had to do it. As she put his favorite heartbeat bear in his hospital crib she began to tear up, but held it in. "There's no reason to cry. It has to be done. Be strong." She repeated to herself.

The waiting game began.
Mark, Jenny, and Mark's parents sat in the Same Day Surgery Waiting Room with the other parents for hours. Constantly looking at the clock, trying to get a nap, or running down to the gift shop to buy him toys for when he would feel better. Jenny sat staring at the clock for the first couple hours and then laid her head on the table and just begged God to let the surgery go smoothly.

The pager went off alerting them to meet the surgeon at the operating room doors for an update. Jenny ran as fast as she could down the halls. The doctor told them that the surgery went wonderfully and their baby would be out of the recovery room and into their arms within an hour. They all breathed a sigh of relief they had been holding in for hours. As they wheeled Zachary out of the operating room. Jenny held in the tears. She saw her child lying in the crib with blood dripping out of his swollen and bruised mouth. He looked up at her in confusion. Jenny didn't cry until they got to the hospital room and she picked up her son. He let out a cry of pain as she moved him and as soon as she heard it, she let out her cries as well. She sat in a rocking chair with her son and bawled like a baby.

Zachary was turning one year old August 24th and Jenny couldn't wait! She began making plans for his party months in advance and invited every single family member from both sides of their family. She wanted every thing to be perfect. Just a month before his birthday, she got a letter from the hospital. Zachary's second cleft surgery was scheduled just one week before his first birthday. Jenny was upset, but she knew she could adapt to the situation and move on. So, Jenny moved his party up 2 weeks so that her son could enjoy his birthday cake at his party like he should. She had been getting more and more irritated with Mark's mom, Sheila, every day by then. One day at the cleft clinic at the hospital, a commercial came on the TV advertising action toys that fought and shot guns. "Our baby isn't going to play with those kinds of toys." Sheila said casually. Jenny was irritated at the fact that Sheila seemed to think that she had given birth instead of Jenny. Later on that day, a cartoon came on that had monsters and a grim reaper on it. "Zachary isn't allowed to watch this show; it's not good for him." Sheila mentioned firmly. "He happens to like this show and he watches it at home." Jenny retorted. "Well, not at my house he won't." Zachary's 1st birthday party went well for the most part, until Sheila stepped in and gave him his birthday cake without telling Jenny.

Jenny was furious! "How dare she let him have his cake before I could sing him happy birthday!" Jenny fumed. She went behind a wall and sobbed. This was Zachary's one and only 1st birthday and she felt like it was ruined. Sheila and Jenny were mad at each other through the entire rest of the birthday party and Jenny decided to not talk about the party ever again.

The second cleft surgery went well, with the exception that Zachary was in much more pain than the first time. This surgery the doctor had done work on all of his mouth and nose. Every time little Zach moved his face even the tiniest bit, he screamed in pain. Jenny wished she could take the pain away, but the best she could do was give him Tylenol with codeine. After the scabs began to come off, Mark and Jenny finally got a glimpse of what their little boy was going to look like. Jenny stopped feeling so bad about the changes and decided she should be excited about it. She hung up new pictures of her son right next to the older ones and smiled.

Mark was still selling weed out of their home after Zachary was born and Jenny couldn’t take it anymore so she refused to allow it any longer. Of course, this didn’t stop him and she found bags of it hidden around the house on several occasions. They still fought in a regular basis about his drug use because he claimed that marijuana was not a drug, it was a plant. Jenny still thought that was a cheap excuse to use drugs.

It was October when she lost another family member. Mark woke Jenny up that morning and told her it was important and she needed to get out of bed right then. "Not again. Someone died" she thought. Jenny was right. "Momma Brenda passed away this morning, honey." Mark told his wife. He didn't want to tell her. Even he was starting to lose count of how many people had died in Jenny's life. "What? Momma's gone?" Jenny asked with tears in her eyes. As she looked to Mark her eyes looked like a child's eyes, she was crushed, and Mark couldn't do anything about it. All Jenny could do was think about the past couple of weeks. Jenny had been taking Zachary to see Brenda every day. Momma Brenda loved watching Zach, so Danielle and Jenny found reasons to get out and go somewhere, mainly so they could have fun, but so that Momma could have her alone time with her grandbabies. "You're so strong, and baby girl, I admire you for it." Momma said to Jenny as she held Zachary close to her chest. "I love you sweetie, you're like a daughter to me, and no matter what you need, I'm here, just ask." Momma knew how hard it was to go through countless surgeries and to endure the heartache that you could not take the pain away from your precious baby boy. In the end, she just knew. Momma always knew everything.

Mom Brenda was gone, and Jenny wasn't sure if it was her place to intrude on the family during their grieving process. Jenny made dinner for her dear sister, Deanna, and took it to her. As she walked into the yard, she could see the whole family outside consoling each other. She walked to Derek and just held him as he cried in her arms. She kissed him on his forehead and told him she loved him before she walked over to Danielle. The baby of the family was doing better than Derek was, but she was still hurting very badly. As Jenny hugged and kissed her sisters and Derek, she began the mom duties. She cleaned the house, gave everyone dinner, and changed and fed the baby. Once she got home that night she let it out. She laid on her bed once again and cried herself to sleep.

Jenny periodically cleaned out files on their computer. Clearing out old files, deleting broken links, and cleaning out the favorites list. She stumbled across his chat logs and became furious. As she read the conversations between her husband and several underage girls, she couldn't believe it was the same man. "What happened to the man I married?" she thought. Was she not enough to satisfy him? Why would he go without having sex with her, but look at the smut she found on their computer? Her mind was going in circles trying to understand, but in the end, she just couldn’t understand.

When Jenny brought it up to Mark, she tried to stay very calm and understanding. She talked with him about it and he claimed to be addicted to internet porn, chatting with young girls, and cyber-sex. Jenny tried to convince her husband to see a specialist about it, but he refused and promised to never do it again. Mark kept his word, for a while. The next time she caught him "misbehaving" on the internet, she wasn't as calm as she was before. "If you want them and not me, then go for it, get out and go!" she cried out at her husband. She kept blaming herself. She thought, "I could've lost weight faster." or "I should've played more video games with him.", but deep down she knew she wasn't to blame. She had done her best, but it wasn't working.
She entered into a radio contest. The prize was a $3,500 gift certificate for the local plastic surgeon that could be used for anything. Jenny desperately wanted to feel beautiful again. Her husband hadn't made her feel attractive in so long that she couldn't even recall the last time he told her she looked good. Jenny won the contest, but she still believes it was just because they felt bad for her disabled baby, not because she deserved it. Either way, Jenny was excited. She began getting regular facial treatments for her occasional acne and started down the road to being happy with herself again.

February 2006

Jenny got a full time job working at Aisin Manufacturing. She was a janitor with a local cleaning service and was thrilled to have gotten the job. Mark wasn't as excited; in fact, he said she wouldn't be able to do the job. She was determined to prove him wrong. Jenny worked as hard as she could, while still dealing with the fact that her beautiful baby boy was growing up way too fast for her. Zachary was going to turn 2 years old that summer and she was dreading it. She cherished her time with her little bitty baby, but knew it wasn't going to last forever. Jenny still could not figure out how to fix her marriage that seemed to be deteriorating at an even faster rate than before.

Jenny found out how Mark paid for the ring her got her for Christmas. He had been stealing $20 bills from her purse for months to save up and buy the ring. Jenny adored the ring, even though it was the wrong size, but she was upset that he had stolen, what was actually his son's disability money, to pay for it. Her first week of work was tough. She wasn't used to such strenuous work and needed support. Mark did try to make an effort; maybe it was because she was making money now. The first 2 days of work, Mark drew a hot bubble bath for his wife, had a cold soda waiting on her, and even had dinner cooked, or ordered, and ready to go. Jenny was in shock, she didn't know he had it in him! That didn't last, though. After the first week, he didn't care anymore. Throughout the month, she barely saw her husband. On Valentine's Day, his mom bought a teddy bear for Mark to give to Jenny.

March 2006

Jenny was struggling. She hardly ever saw her son and it was making her crazy. Mark was a stranger to her now, and she couldn't name any friends she talked to. She didn't have time for anything other than work, sleep, and scheduling doctor appointments for both her and Zachary. Jenny had finally seen a doctor and began treatment for stress-induced insomnia, anxiety, and depression. She was so proud of herself for making money, but soon the money became the problem. Jenny did not approve of marijuana usage, but if that's what Mark wanted, then he could do it on his own time, away from her home, and with his own money. Since Zachary’s birth he had only worked a total of 3 months. She gave Mark money every payday to cover his cigarettes and fast-food while she was at work throughout the week. Even with that, Mark was greedy. He stole money from his wife's purse to pay for his drug habit. Jenny was furious when she heard it from her mother. "How dare he!" she fumed! Not only had he stole the money, he had gone to her mother's house to brag about it like an idiot! Zachary was still asleep when she got back home from her mom's.

Jenny usually went to visit her mom while Mark and Zach slept early in the mornings. She gathered some of her son's things and took him to her mom's. She called Mark's mom and asked if he could come stay at her house for a while because things were bad. When Jenny returned home after dropping Zachary off, she awoke her husband with a short, "Get up." and left the room. When Mark was dressed, he met her in the living room. Jenny sat at the kitchen table while he put his shoes on. He looked up and asked her "Are we going out to eat?" Her heart dropped. She just wished he wouldn't screw things up like this! She loved him so much, but she couldn't allow herself to keep getting hurt. In her alternate reality, she looked at her husband and said "Yes, baby, let's go have a family breakfast." Unfortunately, she wasn't in that reality and she couldn't say that. "You have one hour to pack your things and call your mom to pick you up." she said coldly. He asked why and she told him what she knew. He got angry with her and started to yell, saying that if she wanted the money he would pay her back. "It's not about the damn money, Mark! It's about you stealing from me! I'm your wife for god's sake!" Jenny was so angry. She was angry for right then and there, she was angry for all the times in the past, and she was angry with herself because she couldn't fix it all.

Jenny wasn't sure if she wanted a temporary or permanent separation, but she knew she needed to be away from him now before she ended up hating him. Mark refused to leave which only angered Jenny more. That wasn't the plan. They made a plan and he wouldn't follow it. They agreed that if she asked him to go, he would go, calmly and civilly. Since he would not leave, she decided she would. She contemplated what she was doing while she gathered some clothes. Her thoughts were mainly about their son. She knew she was going to go stay a few nights with her sister, Mandy, but Zach couldn't stay there. There was no room in Mandy's apartment for a baby, and she had a big dog. No, it wasn't going to work. Then she thought about his therapists, and doctor appointments. Jenny didn't have a phone, only Mark did. She decided, with a broken heart as she walked out the door, that she would bring Zachary back home before she went to her sister's apartment. She couldn't call herself a mother if she put her wants before Zachary's needs. He needed to be at home with his things and his therapy equipment. He needed to be as stable as possible through this rough time. Jenny left her son with her husband, and walked out the door, bawling like a baby.

The End

Idiosyncrasies

Peculiar, irksome, and odd were the only words Jenny could find to describe her life in 2007. Her anxiety began to cause her to break out in bumps that itched to no end as well as even more acne breakouts. She felt terribly disgusting in the eyes of all men she came into contact with, which made her self esteem and depression amplified, but with Deanna's constant compliments she slowly began to feel better. Jenny was robbed just a couple days before the New Year and she had nothing. All of the money she had for the month was gone, and she had no job. If she could just get a car, she could get a job, but she had no transportation, and now, no money.

Derek was gone all night and day working. He said he was going to pay her rent and he'd be back in 2 days. She was lonely and depressed. She felt as if she didn't really know everyone she knew. No one seemed to really care. She decided that with the New Year it was time for some changes. Jenny decided it was time to plan a move. Not just a move to a nearby town, but at least an hour away. She began making her plans and decided that if not this year, the beginning of next year, she and her son would be out of there. Derek didn't prove his love to her and January 2nd he was gone again. Jenny wasn't upset; she knew it would happen, just like in her poem, the prophecy had been fulfilled. She would just keep going on with her life as she had been, without having to worry about when Derek would be coming to stay.

Jenny was left alone again, trying to figure out how to pay her bills and get to the grocery store. She desperately needed outside help, but didn't know who to turn to. Every time she looked into her son's eyes all she could do was feel shame. She hadn't been a good enough mother to be able to buy him every toy imaginable. He deserved every toy ever made, she thought, and if she couldn't provide that for him, she had failed. Deanna moved in with her at the end of the month and Jenny no longer felt so alone. Together they took care of their children, cleaned the house, and ran their errands. They joked that if one of them had been born a man, they would've made the perfect couple!

Day or Night

Even from way back in the day
Had a shoulder for my head to lay
She's always been by my side
My girl, always ready to ride
Into our high school years
There to wipe each other's tears
Me and my girl were always tight
Right by my side, ready to fight
Day or night
Right by my side
Day or night
Ride or die
Heartbreaks and celebrations
For her I always have the patience
Even when those boys be hatin'
And when our loved ones are all taken
She's always there with me
Through all the bullshit
Me and my baby
We always get through it
Day or night
That's my girl
Day or night
Conquer the world
Now we're grown
With kids of our own
And we hold on tight
For the sunlight
Although divorce and death
May at times take our breath
We'll feel alone
But in the end it’s just us
You and me, my friend
Day or night
I'm there for you
Day or night
This love is true

Your son's sick!

"Jenny, wake up, baby!" Deanna called as she walked into Jenny's bedroom early one morning. Jenny looked up as Deanna began talking frantically. "Your son's sick, deathly sick, we're going to the hospital, get up!" she rambled. Jenny got up and began to get dressed as Deanna continued with the story. Deanna's 2 month old son, Cameran, had been gasping for air all night, and by then they knew it was an emergency. Deanna, her boyfriend, Eric, Jenny, and all 3 of their children arrived at the Marion hospital around noon on the 16th. The emergency room nurse did a RSV test as well as many other tests. Deanna couldn't stand seeing her child in pain so she asked Jenny to come and hold Cam as they drew blood. Jenny felt as if she were in a time warp. This all took her back almost 3 years, to when Zachary was just a little guy like Cam having blood drawn and doctors everywhere. One nurse even asked Jenny if she was a nurse! Jenny simply replied, "No, but I have a disabled baby, and have been through this stuff a lot."

The doctors assumed that since their RSV test came back negative, they should do an X-ray to see if he might have had pneumonia. Jenny explained to Deanna exactly what and how the doctors were doing all the tests. She told Deanna how they would place little bitty Cameran onto the X-ray table and that she would have to wear a lead vest while they took the pictures of Cam's lungs. Jenny held her sister's hand one last time as she walked behind the glass. She watched as her best friend looked forward in terror. After the doctor looked at the X-rays, he diagnosed Cameran with pneumonia and sent him to the pediatric floor to be admitted. The nurses came in and began to search for a vein to put in his IV. Deanna began to get furious when they stuck her son 3 times without getting the IV inserted. She asked the nurses to please send someone else in to do it. Another nurse came in and stuck Cameran another 3 times. After 6 sticks with no IV started, Deanna refused to allow them to try again. She requested his family doctor to come to the hospital and start his IV. His family doctor arrived around 7 pm that night, tried once, and successfully started the IV. Cameran began doing breathing treatments every 4 hours as well as taking 2 antibiotics every 6 hours. Deanna was horrified. She had never experienced so many medical procedures or equipment before. Jenny assured her that if she could go through everything with Zachary, Deanna could defiantly get through this. It was 3 days later and Cameran was getting worse. His breathing became even more labored and this beautiful little mixed baby looked more like an albino. By the 4th night the doctors decided it was time order another X-ray. The doctor explained to Deanna and Eric that Cameran had air in his stomach due to him inhaling deeply as he cried in pain. They put a large plastic tube down her baby boy's throat all the way into his stomach to release the air. Deanna held tight to Eric as she tried her best to gather some unknown courage from deep within. Her thoughts occasionally drifted to seeing Jenny watch her son being wheeled in the operating room, but as they inserted the tube into her child, the only thought in her head was seeing the paramedics stick a tube down her sister, Danielle's, throat as they tried to save her life.

The next morning a nurse came into the room to put Cam's antibiotics into his IV. As she flushed the IV she blew the IV line. Deanna watched as it happened and heard her son let out a terrifying screech. She jumped up in a frenzied panic. She screamed to the nurse to never come back into their room again. Later that morning their family doctor came back to the hospital. He tried another 2 times to start a new IV, but Deanna agreed with her good friend, Kim, that she shouldn't allow them to keep sticking needles into her child's body. She requested that her son be transferred by ambulance to a St. LouisSt. Louis, she would have to call and pay for an ambulance herself. So she did just that. hospital. The doctor disagreed and would not authorize the transfer. If Deanna wanted her son in

The ambulance made the 2 hour trip to St. Louis after picking up Deanna and Cameran. Eric rode with Kim and they all met back up together at Children's Hospital. Within 4 hours Children's Hospital had already gotten back a positive RSV test result for Cameran. After they began treatment for the RSV, they stopped the breathing treatments because it seemed to be making his breathing worse. On the 3rd day in St. Louis, they found that Cam had a bone disease called Osteogenesis Imperfecta which is a genetic disorder causing his bones to be much more fragile than normal bones making it very easy for him to break a bone and harder for it to heal. They told Deanna that this disease worked in stages and that if they caught it early enough they would be able to retard its progress. Deanna asked, even though she already knew the answer, if Jenny would go to all of Cam's St. Louis doctor appointments with her. Jenny promised she would be with them for each and every one. Deanna had now entered Jenny's world of doctors.

Jenny's little man was making such great progress as February neared. Everyday Jenny held his hips and they walked around exploring the entire apartment! He was so amazingly proud of himself all he could do was grin and laugh as he took steps. Jenny firmly believed his progress was thanks to him spending time around Deanna's daughter, Gracie. He would try to chase her as she walked around the house playing and mimicked her as she talked gibberish. They took baths together every night before bed and just laughed as they shared bath toys and splashed the water together. When Jenny showed her ex-mother-in-law, Sheila, how good Zachary was beginning to walk, she burst into joyous tears. She was very proud of her grandson and his mother for the wonderful progress they had both made together.

Jenny decided to start using sign language with her son, but with the absence of his right arm, she had to come up with one handed signs instead of the proper 2 handed signs. Zachary could already sign the words 'finished' and 'tired'. Jenny was trying for the word 'mommy' next. Zachary had therapy 3 times every week. During therapy he now signed 'finished' on a regular basis so he wouldn't have to continue with the activity they were doing. One of his therapists, Kimberly, told him every week that if he didn't want to do his therapy, all he had to do was get up and walk away and he wouldn't have to do anymore therapy that day. Jenny was starting to worry that Zach wouldn't be walking by the time he would be fazed out of the Early Intervention therapy services at 3 years old, so she worked as hard as she could with him every moment of everyday. She made up songs that she could sing with him and so that she could use sign language with the songs as well to encourage his communication with either words or signs.

Momma's pumpkin boy

'That's momma's pumpkin boy
Momma's pumpkin boy
Momma's pumpkin boy, that's you
Your momma's pumpkin boy
Momma's pumpkin boy
And momma says she loves you!'

'My baby boy
Can stand up big and tall
My baby boy
Is the biggest boy of all
My baby boy
Can sit up on his own
My baby boy
Best boy ever known'

'Happy boy, happy boy
Zach is such a happy boy
Handsome boy, handsome boy
Zach is such a handsome boy
Smart boy, smart boy
Zach is such a smart boy
Momma's boy, momma's boy
Zach is momma's boy'

February meant yet another trip to St. Louis for Zachary. Jenny had already been to Children's Hospital in St. Louis with Deanna and Cam the end of January, but now it was Zach's turn. He had another CT scan for neurology to check his VP shunt and had to have his eyes checked with ophthalmology. The CT scan showed every thing was normal and they would check up in another 2 years, but the ophthalmologist noticed that Zach had a wandering eye and prescribed him to wear an eye patch. He had to wear a patch on his good eye for 3 months straight to strengthen his wandering eye. He hated those patches, but Jenny knew it was important for him to wear it and she didn't give in to his whining and take it off. The next month Zachary had another St. Louis trip for cleft clinic. Jenny had taken him to clinic at least once a month since he was born and it was just like any other day for her. This clinic was one of the important ones, though. He had a CT scan to check his bones in his mouth so they could schedule his next cleft surgery. The many doctors appointments were beginning to take a toll on her health and attitude, but she struggled to stay as calm as she could.

Jenny hadn't realized how worn down she was until she began going through all of her photos. She used to look so happy and carefree, but now she felt like an ogre. There was just so much to be done and so much to worry about. Zachary was on 2 medications, vitamins for his MTHFR in the morning and allergy medication at night. Jenny was on 5 medications for insomnia, eczema, migraines, and her MTHFR. There were, at any given time, several phone calls to be made to doctors, therapists, and program coordinators. Zach had therapy for an hour 3 days a week. They had doctor appointments 4 days a month, St. Louis appointments once a month, and stacks of paperwork that needed to be filled out, signed, dated, and sent back every month. Then there was always the 'normal' things that needed done; dishes, laundry, paying bills, taking out trash, and so on. Jenny did every thing that needed done without having a job, car, or phone of her own. She was tired and stressed out, but she still got it all done. Because of Zachary's disabilities, he had a lot of developmental delays. He had to use a walker, just like the elderly, everyday. He had to get ankle braces the were the most intense kind made for children in hopes of getting him to walk before his delays worsened. Jenny was determined they would do it, even though she hated to hear him cry because he didn't want to work on his walking. She managed to return to her carefree and fun loving self after a while and even had an easier time dealing with her anxiety.

She had been meeting a lot of new people and loved that she was back 'out there'. After a week or so, though, she became worried that this would be just like every other time before. The men would only care for one thing or they would only want her as a friend. How could she be that undesirable she wondered. She felt beautiful inside and out, but thought no one else could see this. She turned her fear and pain into humor and went on about her life. The relationship with her son became better than ever in the midst of her secret fear and pain. Zachary was giving her kisses and hugs every moment that he wasn't throwing food on her clean floors! They were having late night cuddle sessions before bed. He would just look at her with such love in his eyes and she couldn't help but melt into a puddle over him. She couldn't get enough alone time with her baby boy, but knew how to separate 'mommy mode' from her own identity now.

It had been years since Jenny had endured the pain of seeing disgust on a stranger's face when they looked at her sweet child. She had forgotten that anyone would ever see him as anything but adorable, but she found out, the dark hearts of cruel strangers still lurked in every corner. Deanna had a doctor’s appointment at the hospital one day and asked her best friend to come with her. Deanna's sister, Danielle, was assumed to have died of heart complications after childbirth, and Deanna was now showing the same symptoms after giving birth 3 months earlier. In the elevator, a couple looked at Zachary, leaned toward each other, and began whispering. Jenny breathed deep and stared ahead of her, holding in her anger. As they all exited the elevator, the couple walked behind them and began making comments louder than before. Jenny looked back at them and stared them both in their eyes. Jenny had held in her pain from these comments for so long, she had forgotten the pain was still hidden deep within her heart.

It was about 1:45 am when Jenny heard a noise in the kitchen. As she turned down the music on her computer, she saw the door unlock out of the corner of her eye and a man walked into her home. He wore a white ski mask and matching white gloves. She couldn't think, she froze, and then he pulled the gun up and pointed at her head. Jenny was pissed! "Who the hell do you think you are?!" she belted out at her gunman. He held the silver handgun against her temple and pushed hard every time she tried to shove him away. Then he covered her mouth with his hand, pushing hard in an attempt to shut her up, when he saw she was not going to stop complaining. As he put his hand over her eyes he began to yell to someone else. "Come on, hurry up man!" she heard him say over and over. A few seconds of silence, and then they fled into the woods. They got away with nothing. The police couldn't do anything to help her because the gunman left no prints behind. So Jenny’s insomnia grew even worse. Every noise in the night woke her from a dead sleep and her anxiety kept her from falling back to sleep. "What if it happens again when I'm asleep? What if they took Zach?!" She couldn't stop the worrying.

The next few months were filled with doctor visits for surgery planning. Once again they scheduled his final cleft surgery two weeks before his 3rd birthday. She hated when they did that. It just wasn't fair to Zachary. He got new ankle braces that helped his balance when he was learning to walk. It was a long road, but both Jenny and Zachary were bound and determined for him to become independent. The grin on that boy's face showed how proud of himself he was when he took steps with his mommy helping him! His therapists were pleased with his progress and now it was time to plan his transition into school. School; the word itself terrified Jenny. She couldn't come to grip with that fact her baby boy was going to be spending time at a real school without her. "What if he missed her? What if the other kids stared at him?" She thought. Jenny was reassured by the fact that he'd be going into a class with other special needs kids and he would never be alone, but still, what was she going to do with him away?!

Mental maturity

Jenny had been seeing a doctor for years now, but it wasn't until a late night that she discovered she truly needed new medication. For no reason at all, she became extremely depressed and cut herself again. Afterwards she couldn't help but cry her eyes out. "What did I do?!" She kept asking herself. The next week Jenny went to see her doctor. It took all the courage she had to look her doctor in the eye and tell her what she did and that she wanted to stop it. To her surprise her doctor did not seem shocked. She simply wrote a prescription for a high dose medication and a referral for a physiologist examination. Jenny was proud of herself. She had finally matured enough to admit her problem and tackle it head-on. She wrote; at first to her friends and family, but then it turned into a reminder and promise to herself:

Redemption

Without them, I'm me
Just beyond the flesh
It's still me, can't you see
Ignore that they're fresh
I beg of you
Please don't fret
To look at you
Is to feel the regret
Accept my plea
I aim to recover
Wish to break free
Take on no other
Escape this demon
That causes me harm
I seek freedom
I've pulled the alarm
I can now accept tears
To flow from my eyes
Overcoming my fears
Before part of me dies
I write this for you myself
To show my choice
Repairing my health
Free my voice"

For once, some good news came. Deanna's son, Cameran, turned out to not have brittle bone disease. Both Deanna and Jenny let out a sigh of relief. The thought of two disabled children between two single moms, did not sound easy to them. Zachary and Deanna's daughter, Gracie, had been spending a lot of time together, and by now Jenny had taught Gracie to sign the words "Mommy" and "Finished" just like she was teaching Zach. Things were looking up. Finally.

It was a beautiful warm night when Jenny had her son and Deanna's daughter. She decided to take the kids to the fair up town. As she took Zachary off of the car ride, she slipped off the platform. When she fell, she protected her son as much as possible, but not herself. Jenny walked around another 20 minutes waiting for a ride home. Once home, she saw her foot, swollen and throbbing. She got to the Emergency Room and did her X-rays to discover she had fractured her foot and sprained her ankle. The doctors gave her painkillers and crutches. "How the hell am I going to take care of the kids, let alone myself on painkillers and crutches?!", she thought.

After living together for a while, Deanna and Jenny began to become irritable with each other. They were both having financial troubles as well which only made the situation worse. The kids made a mess of the house, leaving two overstressed single moms ready to pull their hair out. They began fighting and arguing over trivial matters which ended up with Deanna moving out. Both of them were stubborn and refused to apologize since each believed they were the one who was in the right. Both of them said very hurtful things to each other without realizing that the wounds they caused might not be able to heal. Jenny feared she had lost her best friend forever.

A New Move

Jenny and Zachary moved into a one-bedroom apartment in the city the beginning of fall. The same apartment building in which her little sister and her mom both had apartments. It was small, but it was also cheap and close to family. Every day, Zachary’s Framma, Mary, would come upstairs to visit him and his mommy. She had a special ’game’ for him that he loved. She would hold him and hug him tight while she said “Squish!” He laughed so hard each and every time and it seemed that game with his Framma would never get boring. Their apartment was almost filled to the ceiling with toys and clothes, leaving almost no room for furniture. Jenny decided to have a moving sale and get rid of anything they didn’t absolutely need. They were now within walking distance of everything they would need, including Zachary’s school. He started head start’s special education program the first of October and although Zachary was overjoyed, his mommy had a hard time letting him go. Eventually she came to grips with the fact that her baby boy was growing up and wouldn’t be on her hip forever, and somehow, she’d have to be okay with that.

Now that Zachary was spending every other weekend at his grandma & dad’s house, Jenny had time to herself to do whatever she wanted. Her sister’s, Missy and Mandy, had a new tradition of going out to the local karaoke bar every weekend, and so Jenny joined in on the festivities while Zachary was gone. She and her sisters sat together drinking mixed drinks, laughing, and singing every other weekend. Soon enough, though, both Missy and Mandy ended up in relationships. Missy began dating a woman for the first time in her life, and shocked everyone when she came out as a lesbian. Ashley was her girlfriend and they fell completely in love in a very short while. Mandy was still straight and had met a wonderful guy named Nathan. They took it slow and enjoyed dating for a while before becoming a full blown “couple”, but once they got there, it was obvious they were happy.

In November, Zachary became a big brother to Devin, Mark’s new baby. Jenny wasn’t sure how she felt about it, but she had no strong feelings leaning either way, it was just weird to her. She felt like somehow it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that Mark could go on with his life and even have a healthy new baby.

Jenny and her sisters didn’t see each other very often after that. They had jobs, and significant others, and weekend plans that didn’t include her. She was so proud of her sisters though. Missy was brave enough to come out of the closet to everyone and not care who said what. Mandy was working 3 jobs and going to college while still taking time to spend with Nathan. Though none of the sisters had very much time to spare, they both stopped in at least once a week to visit Jenny and Zach.

Zachary’s first day of school was much easier than Jenny had imagined. She did not cry although Zach shed a few tears when mommy walked out of the room. He was a momma’s boy and it was very apparent. She went home and all she could think about was how fast her precious little guy was growing up. After his first day of school, everything seemed to get easier in both of their lives. Jenny was finally able to go to the bathroom without her son on her lap, and Zachary insisted on learning to play with his toys without help. They were both becoming independent people, separate from each other. They were maturing.

What was there to do now that Zachary didn’t need mommy every waking moment of the day? Jenny realized she needed to focus on herself a little more, so she began dating. It’s hard for single parents to date anyway, not even considering the fact that Jenny’s son was very special. How would she be able to find a man who she thought fitting to be involved in her child’s life? By some miracle, it seemed, Jeff entered her life.

He stood 6’ 3”, weighed about 200 pounds, and had the most amazing baby blue eyes in the world. He just so happened to be the brother of Missy’s ex-husband, Ronnie. Ronnie introduced Jenny to him and they fell for each other after only a couple days. Of course, Jenny, now terrified of falling in love, refused to let her emotions show. For weeks after they had both acknowledged they were in love, they would say “I like you” to each other. If one of them happened to slip up and say love instead of like, that person would simply say “Galactic reset!” and the statement was, as they said, wiped from the record. This was a cute game between the two until one day Jenny said “I love you, no more resets…”
After just a couple months, Jeff became the most amazing step-dad Jenny had ever seen. She loved to peek in on her boys when they would sit down and play together. They both had the biggest smiles she had ever seen and it was obvious how much they loved each other. Jeff taught his step-son to say no out loud, but then quickly learned that word would end up getting on both his and Jenny’s nerves!

For New Year’s Eve, Deanna stayed home with Zachary and Gracie so that Jenny and Jeff could go out together. They met up at a bar with his brother, Ronnie, and Jenny’s friends from middle school. Their first holiday as a couple was great and Jenny loved introducing her new man to her friends. They all seemed so proud that she finally had a boyfriend that seemed to be more decent than the ones from her past.
Deanna and Jenny had kept in touch even after they had their falling out. Jenny called to tell her estranged friend happy birthday and Deanna called to see how Jenny and Zachary were doing. After their fight, Deanna and her kids moved in with her dad and step mom, over 6 hours away from Jenny. In December, it was time to see each other again, and Deanna came to visit Jenny after almost a year. As Jenny embraced her, neither girl wanted to let go; “It’s been too long” they agreed.

Jenny feared what had always happened in the past when it came to Deanna and Jenny’s boyfriends. She was sure they would hate each other and never get a long, but amazingly, Jeff and Deanna become almost like brother and sister! She was thrilled that her best friend and love of her life got along so well, and that was almost like a sign to her, that Jeff might just be “The One”.

Her best friend’s visit was only supposed to last a week or so, but after talking, the girls came up with a plan. Deanna could live with Jenny and get a job, once she had the money saved, she and her kids could move into an apartment in the same building as Jenny and her family. Jenny agreed to give her friend rides to go job hunting and to and from work once she got a job. They split gas money and food costs, and once again, Deanna and Jenny lived together.

As if it weren’t hard enough being a young mother to a three year old boy, Jenny also had to deal with all of the “Work” that came with being his mother. This meant she was always busy signing papers, making copies, on the phone, or mailing documents. The most admirable thing about this was that while she took on these jobs, she only thought about other parents and how she could help them. “I wonder if there could be a program to give free mailing stamps to parents of special kids because of all the letters we have to mail?” she thought to herself as she signed her name on another medical release document and stuck it in the envelope.

Deanna’s daughter, Gracie, was getting so big that Jenny could hardly believe it! She was talking now, and instead of calling her Jenny, she called her “Momma”. This didn’t upset Deanna at all because she called her mother, “Mommy”. Gracie and Jenny spent time together alone every other weekend that Zachary went to visit his dad. They played dress up, danced and sang to music, colored, and watched movies together. It was just Gracie & Momma time and they both loved it.

Zachary and Gracie were already like the best of friends. He was learning so much from his “younger sister” and Jenny was thrilled to see his progress. They loved taking baths together and Gracie would keep yelling “Bubby!” if he wasn’t already in the bath tub with her. They splashed and laughed for an hour and still neither of them wanted to get out, so Jenny had to drag them out screaming before they wrinkled up to nothing! They wouldn’t eat their meals alone either. When Gracie would sit at the kitchen table, Zachary would be scooting up right behind her and reach to her so she could help him stand up and wait for Momma to put him in his booster seat to eat with his “Sissy”.

Since they had lived in the apartment building, the only had one other person living upstairs, who wasn’t at home most of the time. It seemed like Jenny and her family had the whole upstairs building to themselves until one day a new neighbor moved into the apartment right beside them. At first, she worried the new neighbors would be loud and rude because of how young they looked, but luckily, the new neighbors seemed nice. Krystal was about 21, skinny, and very sweet looking. Her husband, Andrew was about the same age, skinny, and always in baggy clothes. As a rough thunderstorm rolled in one night, she got the chance to get to know the girl next door. As Jenny, Deanna, and Gracie stood at the building’s front door watching the rain, Krystal and her baby boy came into the hallway. The girls chatted a bit and Jenny asked to hold the baby. Baby Shane was 3 months old, with the most adorable red hair and very content being held against Jenny’s chest, which of course she loved. Jenny and Deanna finally made a friend and were able to have conversations with someone older than 3.

It wasn’t long after Deanna and Gracie came to stay that an idea came up in what seemed to be the perfect time. Before Momma Brenda passed away, Deanna had planned on going away to Job Corps. She was going to give her mom custody of Gracie and she was determined to go to school and straighten her life up. Job Corps called her the day her mom died and she explained she would not be enrolling. Well, now seemed like the best time to go for her. She knew Jenny would take Gracie in a heartbeat, and although painful, would give her back when she came home. Jenny typed the guardianship papers on her computer, and Gracie was now legally and physically in her care. Deanna signed all her registration forms and was all set to start school and hour away the next month.

Deanna and Jenny always had arguments about Gracie’s discipline even long before the guardianship agreement had been signed. It became worse as time grew closer for Deanna to leave for school. Jenny knew she was having trouble with her conscience about leaving her child. She had already given custody of her son, Cameran, to her friend, Tonya, and had even been a birth parent for an infertile couple she knew. Gracie was her pride and joy, and it hurt her to leave her behind, even knowing it was best for both of their lives. The arguments grew much worse, especially since Jenny refused to allow favoritism between Zach and Gracie. Deanna wanted her daughter to have anything she wanted, merely because she felt bad for leaving her.

For the first time in their lives after a fight about one of their kids, Deanna admitted she was wrong and apologized. They held each other and Jenny cried as Deanna told her how sorry she was for letting her emotions run wild like they had. It was after that when Jenny found new pride in her best friend. For the first time, Deanna put aside her own needs and did what she needed to do, for everyone. Going to Job Corps, admitting her wrongs, and realizing that since Gracie would live with Jenny, she would no longer be the spoiled only child she had always been.

Love was in the air, cards being sent everywhere, phone calls, and text messages filled everyone’s phones; It was Valentine’s Day. Jeff and Jenny were broke. All of they’re money went on bills and clothes for both kids, so there wasn’t any spending money left for gifts. Jenny used the leftover valentine’s cards for Zach’s class and taped heart shaped suckers to them before stuffing them in her own mailbox with a smile. When Jeff and Deanna checked the mail, their faces lit up seeing Jenny’s gifts to them inside. Later in the day, she set up the kitchen table with construction paper, markers, glue and glitter. Jeff sat at the table with Zachary to do Valentine’s day crafts, but told Jenny to get out and not to come back into the room!

Jeff came into the living room and handed his fiancé the home-made card. It was pink and read “My Heart is Falling for You” on the front. When she opened it, a red and orange paper heart fell hanging from a string on the inside. She giggled at it’s amazing cute-ness as she turned it over and read what he wrote to her on the back: “I love you more than life itself. I love you more than the 1967 Shelby GT500. More than the Aston Martin DB7. My engine runs on your love for me. Love Always, Jeff.” It was the sweetest and most romantic gift she had ever gotten in her life. Jenny baked a cake for the holiday; Chocolate Devil’s Food Cake with mini M&M’s and pink strawberry icing. She used food coloring and made extra icing in pink and blue then decorated the cake with hearts and nicknames of her family members; Wolf, Bubby, Sissy, & Baby D.

The ice storm that hit that week left inches of ice everywhere you looked and even knocked out many power lines nearby. Jeff, being from Florida, wasn’t as used to it as Jenny was, so they bundled up and headed outside. He held his fiancé’s hand as they skated on the ice in their shoes in front of their apartment building. Krystal poked her head out of her window and laughed at her friends being so silly before she threw down a cardboard box for Jenny to sled on the ice with. Passers-by couldn’t help but smile when they saw the couple. Laughing and smiling, they twirled around on the ice, trying not to fall. Deanna, Gracie, and Zachary laughed as they watched the love birds from the living room window above.

Jenny and her ex-mother-in-law had been getting along like they did before the divorce and although she and Mark weren’t fighting, they weren’t always on good terms either. She sent Sharon pictures of Zachary on her phone everyday just to keep her involved in his life. Zachary was still spending every other weekend at his dad’s house with his baby brother, Devin.

It’s rare to come across a divorce that was a clean and easy break with no hard feelings. Jenny and Mark’s was no different. From the moment he knew she wasn’t going to come back to him, the words of hate, rumors, and fights began, and still hadn’t ended. The only rumors that came close to causing any effect on Jenny were ones concerning her role as a mother. By this time, Jenny had done enough soul searching to find that in her opinion, she was a wonderful mother. Of course, what she thought and what people would say are two totally different things. She could be walking in the store and overhear people she had never met talking about how she was an unfit mother and it infuriated her! She had done so much to be the best person she could be overall and being a decent ex-wife was included in that.

When they split up, Jenny gave him most of her end tables, wall paintings, and any of Zachary’s things that he no longer needed. She gave him joint custody and hefty visitation as well as the right to pick up Zachary to hang out anytime he wanted to. She even invited him to come with her on Zach’s first day of school and let him claim their son on his income taxes even though he only cared for him one third of each year. Once Mark’s girlfriend Tawny got pregnant with Devin, Jenny went through all of Zachary’s old things and brought them boxes and boxes of baby clothes and toys. Somehow, even with all that she had done, he still had bad things to say about her. She knew about the things he said, especially when he said to several people, “I’m just gathering as much dirt as I can on her and waiting for her to screw up so I can take full custody of Zach; She’s an unfit mother.” She didn’t care what he thought he was going to do because she knew the truth. She was a great mother and he would never take their son from her.