Derek's list

Later that day, Danielle showed up. She had a list. A list of Derek's things. Jenny had held on to the hope that maybe he had gotten a flat tire or something else had kept him away, but at that point, her heart was crushed. "I trusted another man with my heart, I said those 3 words. He said that he loved me…that's real nice. I can feel the love, let me tell ya!" Her thoughts ran over and over inside her head. She kept her cool and tried to act as if it didn't matter. She gathered his things and wrote her own list for him. It read:

$62.41 for your insurance payment I made yesterday
$4.71 for the pack of smokes I bought for you yesterday
$20.00 for the gas I put in your car yesterday
$60.00 for the camera I sold to pay your bills
Another car to replace the one you made me lose
Oh, and you can go ahead and keep your so-called 'love'
-Me"

Jenny had never been "left" before. She had no idea what to do. She let her guard down and now she knew she shouldn't have done that. Jenny called up a couple friends, got some alcohol and drank until she couldn't drink anymore. She resorted to cutting again. She was broken. The next week or two was a blur. She stayed drunk, day and night. Mark kept Zachary for her and she tried to recover from the massive heartbreak. The divorce day was here. Jenny went to talk to Mark early that morning, but it ended up more of a physical conversation than anything. Deanna kept Zachary as Jenny and Mark headed to court. They were divorced. They began casually dating after the divorce and Mark even stayed the weekends at her house until they broke up in October. Dating Mark didn’t take her mind off of the one that still had her heart though. She wrote a poem for Derek, but knew she would never give it to him:

Inexistent

I won't tell you
How much I miss you
Or that I sit wishing
You'd come back to me
I won't let you know
That I feel so alone
Or that I still love you
And wish you loved me too
I won't write this for you
And give you the satisfaction
Of knowing how much you meant to me
At one point in time"

Stole, July 2006

Jenny began dating her ex-husband again. She needed someone badly, and he was there. She came to visit at his place with Zachary on a regular basis. Although his friends now hated her because of the lies he told them when they split up, she ignored the stares and whispers and went on about her business. On several different occasions, though, she became furious with Mark for smoking weed with his friends in the house with their son. She couldn’t stop him of course, but threatened to not let Zach stay the night with him if he continued it.

Danielle was due any day, so Jenny gathered boxes full of baby clothes and bottles for the new baby, Xavier. Jenny couldn't stand to stay at the trailer alone, so she and Zachary had been staying with Mark, a block from Deanna and Danielle. Jenny took the baby things down to Danielle and sat to talk for a while. Deanna was at Tracy's place with her, Derek, and the kids. Danielle talked to Jenny about parenting. She was afraid, this was her first baby and she was going to raise him alone. Jenny told her everything she knew and everything she remembered "Mom Brenda" had told her about raising kids. She knew how upset Danielle was that her mom wasn't there for the birth of her first child, so Jenny did the best she could to reassure her and answer all her questions. They saw a neighbor drive by with subs bumping, music as loud as it could go, and a baby in the backseat. Danielle was furious! She vowed to never put her son through that. "Once they're old enough to tell you if it's too loud, you can turn it up, but if they can't communicate with you, there's no reason to have the music up that loud." Danielle explained and Jenny agreed. They also agreed that it wasn't right to smoke around small babies and that classical music was good for kids. Danielle told Jenny she was being induced that week and that she would call her as soon as they got home from the hospital.

The baby's first night home, Danielle asked Jenny to stay the night and help her take care of him. Of course, Jenny said she would. Every 2 hours, Jenny got up and changed the baby for her. She showed the new mommy the easiest way to make him bottles and the different ways to burp him. Danielle was exhausted, so Jenny took over for the rest of the night. It was time for Jenny to face her fears.

She needed to go home, back to the trailer. Jenny hated it there now. Everywhere she looked, she thought of Derek. She missed him and still hated herself for letting her guard down so soon. Jenny had no car, no phone, and was stuck 6 miles away from civilization. She made it a week before she had the urge to go back over to Deanna and Danielle's house. She didn't know why, but she knew she needed to be there. In the back of her mind, she was hoping to talk to Derek. She hadn't seen or spoken to him since the night he left. She needed an explanation, she needed closure. Jenny tried to use other outlets to make the pain go away instead of cutting, so she wrote:

"4 AM: I was awoken by my ex-husband. He said someone had come and banged on the door and that I needed to wake up. I sat up and tried to open my eyes, when I heard him say, the words I have grown to hate hearing from him, "You need to wake up, so-and-so's here." That always meant someone in my family has died, again. "Danielle's being taken away by ambulance." He said. "What's wrong, what happened?" He didn't know anything. I ran as fast as I possibly could, asthma attack and all, in my pajamas down 6th street at 4 am. I could see their place from my driveway, so as soon as I left out the door, I saw 2 ambulances, lights on, but no siren and I don't see anyone rushing anywhere. Confused, I was thinking maybe, she's okay, it was just a scare, maybe she had a bad asthma attack, and she's okay now. I get to the door, and immediately grab Danielle's pride and joy, little Xavier. He's fussy, and scared, 1 week old and dealing with all this confusion. As I feed the baby, Deanna's 1 year old daughter, Gracie, comes up to me whining and scared, begging for me to pick her up. Of course I do. So holding 2 babies at once, I finally start asking what's happening. Deanna's crying, freaking out hardcore. "It's just like mom, it's the same thing!" she starts sobbing even harder. I tell her, "Danielle will be just fine, you know she's going to be okay, don't think like that" "No, Jenny, She stopped breathing, she was turning blue! I had to do CPR on her. Gracie and Xavier saw it all!", now she's got that same terrified, scared to death look on her face that she had the day mom died." Deanna honey, you're strong, we can do this, Dani isn't going anywhere, just take a deep breath, and we can do this." I reassure my best friend, honestly believing what I was saying. We load up the kids and diaper bags. Derek and Tracy show up, wonderful. I don't think I can handle this. We all meet up at the ER. Where we wrestle the two kids, while trying to deal with the fact that none of the nurses or doctors will tell us anything at all. Deanna is calling their father, telling him what happened, when the doctor starts gathering everyone into a small room to the side. They come up and tell Deanna they need to talk to her, but she's busy with her father, and doesn't hang up immediately. The nurse looks at me, with "that look". I know that. look. I hate that look. I poke Deanna, and say, "Honey, we need to talk to the doctor." knowing what was about to come. We go into this room. I'm holding Gracie, Tracy has Xavier. They begin by asking who everyone is, and we all introduce ourselves; Tracy is introduced as the sister in law, and Derek introduces me as the family friend. They begin to tell us that they couldn't resuscitate Danielle.

When those words hit, everyone lost it, except for the kids and me. I am sitting there, watching a family, which has already endured an enormous loss just 9 months ago, fall to pieces once again. This time without the rock of the family, Danielle. I was in shock, and couldn't believe that God would allow such a thing. Just a mere week after a 19-year-old girl gives birth?! By now, I'm crying, scared to know what will happen now without our beloved Dani. They take us back to the ER room. There she is. On the table, like she's just asleep. We're all breaking down now. Gracie is looking at us, so freaked out. I hadn't even thought about the fact that I probably shouldn't have brought her in there to see Danielle. I try to get Tracy to give me Xavier, in an attempt to get the kids out of that room, but she refuses. I left the room with Gracie, and went outside to smoke, still bawling and trying to calm down for little Gracie. One by one, they all come outside. Even in the midst of this horrible tragedy in "our" family, Tracy doesn't let Derek and me near each other for more than a few seconds. I want to run up and hold Derek and just cry with him, the same as when mom died 9 months ago, but I know I'm not "allowed" to touch him since she was there. Relationship or not, blood or not, we're still family damn it, and even without the blood between us all, I needed comfort too.

Dreams and fears

The next week is a blur. We go to the funeral home, set everything up. I stayed by Deanna's side, helping with both the kids all the way until the funeral day, which was 3 days after the wake, near Chicago. I remember the first time Derek kissed me after Dani died. I felt like he was just being a whore, but I needed him. I needed someone. I wasn't blood so no one thought that I might need a little support. Sometimes I really believe that just like soul mates- as in relationships, it also goes for friendships. I believe that Deanna and her family were meant to be my best friends/family for life. All that we've gone though, so much pain, so many good times, and so many memories. I will always claim them as my family, best friends, soul mates. I only hope that Tracy and I can someday settle our differences about the whole Derek thing. We have spoken about it, forgiven each other, and even hung out, but I can still feel awkwardness. Deanna will always be in my life, I've decided I couldn't get rid of her, and she couldn't get rid of me even if we tried out hardest!
Family is family no matter what kind, and family does not quit."

Dreams and Fears

Just like dreams, fears come true
We learned this when we lost you
Your dream came true
When he was born
But our fears came true
When you were torn
Your long life was ripped away
Now you watch us as we pray
And although we wish you hadn't had to go
We'll all make sure to let Xavier know
His mommy was strong, proud, and pure
We're all so lucky to have ever known her
She was so caring, sweet, and always true
And with every ounce of her soul, she loves you
She's watching us now, from up above
Sad that we must grieve, but sending all her love
She wants us to know, it'll all be okay
And that we'll all see her again someday"

Kara came for a drink

A friend of Jenny's lived across the street from Mark. Kara invited her over to drink for the night, so Jenny went there and planned to drink herself into oblivion. A fifth of whiskey later, Jenny was plastered and Kara had passed out when the bottle was halfway gone. No one wants to sit around by themselves when they're drunk, so Jenny started calling all of her friends. Her friend, Martin, AKA Pumba, came over to hang out with her. She went across the street to let her ex-husband know that he would be hanging out with her and to check on her baby boy.

Jenny remembered opening her eyes as Pumba put his dick in her mouth. She was passed out, and once again, being raped. "Suck that dick baby, yeah put it in your mouth" she heard him saying. That sick bastard needed to be shot, but no one was there to help her. She was in and out of consciousness. The next time she came to, she heard a loud knock on Kara's front door as Pumba jumped off of her and ran to the living room, letting Jenny fall to the floor. As Jenny curled up on the floor she just cried and held herself. Would it ever stop? What had she done to deserve this again? She had done something wrong. She trusted a man. Jenny's ex-husband, Mark, and Pumba appeared in the doorway looking down at Jenny. She felt like a freak of nature on exhibit. For a few moments she was terrified that her husband had come to join in on Pumba's festivities, but thankfully it wasn't like that. "Why the hell is my ex-wife lying on the floor half naked crying while you're standing here sweating and out of breath?" Mark asked the so-called friend. She heard her ex-husband asking Pumba what was going on and he replied that Jenny was so drunk that she passed out on the toilet and he merely carried her to bed. The next morning, Jenny woke up next to her ex-husband. He began telling her everything that had happened that she could not remember. When Jenny passed out, Pumba carried her to the bedroom. Mark happened to be outside smoking at the time, and when he saw the bedroom light come on and then go right back off he got worried. He began calling both Kara and Pumba's phones, but no one was answering.

Mark came over and pounded on the door for a few minutes until Pumba finally opened the door. That was when they came into the doorway in front of Jenny. Mark simply asked Pumba what happened, and once he realized he was lying, he merely told him it was time for Pumba to leave. Her ex-husband let that man leave the house and did nothing. Jenny went into frenzy once he left. Mark could only calm her when he backed away from her and calmly called her Jenny Lou or Lou-Lou, the names her Aunt Sandy and close family always called her. Mark said that Jenny wouldn't let anyone touch her. She went and hid in the bathtub at one point so that no one could get to her. She started begging Mark for a knife, she needed it right then. She needed to punish herself; she should've known not to trust a man. She knew better. Jenny finally calmed down and let Mark touch her once Kara was awake. She took a few anxiety pills and Mark took her home to sleep. Jenny had been raped by someone she had known for 4 years. Someone she thought was a friend.

Life goes on

Jenny self injured again when Danielle died, but Mark kept her from doing it after the rape. Instead she avoided the subject of what happened and went on with life. Jenny wasn't sure she would make it; Pa-Pa, Aunt Sandy. Baby Johnny, Brenda, Sabrina, and now Danielle, on top of the heartache she still felt from Derek leaving her. She just wasn't sure she could handle anymore, but she tried to go on. "Is it ever going to end?" She asked God.

Zachary turned 2 years old in August. Jenny was more excited than she had been in a long time; her baby boy was growing up. It was only 2 weeks after his birthday that Zachary sat on his own for the first time. He was doing well in therapy, not throwing as many temper tantrums. Everyone was pleased with his progress since the divorce. In fact, it wasn't until Jenny got Zachary in her custody full time that he finally started gaining weight, sitting up, attempting to stand, and speak. Jenny was proud of her son and herself.

Derek told Jenny that he had to stay with Tracy because he was on parole and she could send him back to prison if he pissed her off enough. Jenny had a very hard time believing his story, but she let herself love him anyway. The months went by and things seemed better a lot of the time. After a bit, Jenny began to feel like a whore. He only spent time with her when they had sex. Was that all he wanted? Jenny began to believe that Derek was still in love with his ex-wife. Although she knew you can't change what you feel, she was still upset. If he did love her, he should have told Jenny, she thought. Jenny still had a few fleeting feelings of love for her ex-husband, but in whole, her heart belonged to Derek, and now it was just a waiting game to see if he would return that winter once he was taken off parole.

Jenny started to see that being a single mother was a lot harder then she thought. It would have been easier if Zachary didn't have therapy 3 times a week, or doctor visits every single month, but Jenny would never want him any other way, and "if this is how it's gotta be" she thought, "this is how it's gonna be."
After Danielle passed away, Jenny realized how fleeting life can be. If something were to happen to her while Zachary was young, she wanted him to have something to know her by. So, Jenny did what she does best, she wrote.

Specialty

Peek A Boo

And Hide N seek

Today it's you

Forget next week

The doctors call

Calendar fills up

Spring to fall

Never lets up

Today my son, Is ours alone

Lock that door

And turn off the phone

Your smile so bright

And eyes so wide

In my sight

There's nothing to hide

Toys and things

Scatter the floor

The phone doesn't ring

But we play no more

So, Goodnight sweet baby

Sweet dreams to you

And next week maybe

We'll forget therapy, too!

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Zachary, you can finally sit on your own. You need a little help getting into the sitting position, but you can sit by yourself for at least 5 minutes at a time! You shake your head yes and no. Usually you say no, though! You're very brave these days. You couldn't care less if you bump your head as long as you get to where you want to go. You love to smile at people, but only if they smile first. You've become quiet the ladies' man! Your favorite food is chocolate! Cake, donuts, ice cream, anything chocolate! Your favorite cookies are milano cookies. You will only take one bite from oreos or chips ahoy before throwing them down. You're so picky! You love looking in mirrors! I hope you aren't going to be conceited! You always stick out your tongue and make silly faces while you look at your reflection. You have just learned to nod your head to music. You usually only do it to slow rock songs, like Hinder- "Lips of an angel". You love to watch me dance silly to your ABC song! Sometimes mommy acts nuts, but you like it, so it's okay! You still don't look exactly like me or your father. You're a perfect mix of us both. You're so handsome! You go see your father and grandmother every other weekend. Your father usually spends a day with you, but he likes to go out with his friends and on dates with girls on the weekends. Most of the time you play with your grandma. She shows you off to everyone she knows. She treats you very well. You've finally gotten sick of the baby Einstein movies. Now we watch a lot of action movies. You like to see people fighting and wrestling. Sometimes I worry that people will corrupt you. Teach you to lie, cheat, steal, and backstab. I hope you can refuse these teachings, Zach. The truth is always best. To steal is to show disrespect. To show disrespect is lowering yourself. Never talk about people behind their backs. If you have something to say, say it to them. You're better than all of that stuff Zachary. You're a good person."

It was mid-November when her best friend, Deanna, was being induced to give birth to her son. Danielle had already named the baby before she died so his name was chosen before the birth. The newest addition to the family would be named Cameran Daniel. Jenny stayed at the hospital all day with her friend and when it was time to have the baby, she held her hand and helped her through the pain of childbirth. Deanna gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby boy weighing exactly 7 lbs 11 oz. Once baby Cam got out of the hospital with his mommy, they went to visit Jenny and Zach. He absolutely loved baby Cameran! Zach just couldn't get enough of holding him and giving him kisses.

Prophecy, December 2006

Who the hell is here" she wondered as she went to answer the door. She peeked out the window to see Derek. He had come back to her. He stood at her door with a sort of arrogant look on his face. Jenny wasn't so sure she should trust him again, so she just let things go the way they went. She didn't try to control or change a thing. If it was meant to be it would be. He would have to prove his love to her before she would open her heart to him again. She had decided to guard her duct-taped heart from everyone. She would not say the words to him first. She would not allow him the opportunity to hurt her and if she had to, she would hurt him first, before she would let it happen to her. Jenny wasn't like every other girl. She was different. She was special. Derek knew all this for years, and if he wanted something special, something different, he would have to convince her that he deserved it.

Prophecy

And as if it were nothing

You threw us away

As if I was nothing

You pushed me away

I could feel the tension

I knew the emotions

I could see your thoughts

And I knew what was to come

You were leaving me

Not now, but soon

You don't care for me

And you'll leave me in ruin"

"I'd be okay

If we were to cease to be

I would be okay

If it seemed we'd not be happy

That's fine, goodbye, I'd say

If you wanted me no more

I would be okay

If our love became a bore

I'd make it to the next day

I will not stumble

I won't lie down and die

I can live without you

Being at my side"

As Zachary got older, Jenny couldn't help but think of his future. She hoped that her son would never have to experience the pain she had, but she knew pain is inevitable. The best she could do is share her life story and what she had come to know in her years.

My son,

If I never get the chance to tell what I know, here it is, just for you, forever. Never grow up completely. It's pointless. Have fun and feel young for as long as you can. Don't consume your life with meaningless things. Objects are just that, objects. A job is just a job. A girl is just a girl. This is all true unless: You find a passion for an object and turn it into a life goal. You find a job you love, and enjoy every moment of it. You find a girl who is more than just a girl, she's amazing. You find those things, and you hold on tight, son. Your heart is precious. Don't just give it to anyone. You can't trust everyone you meet son, but that doesn't mean you can't get to know them. People are funny like that. You can get to know them, enjoy their company, but that doesn't mean they're trustworthy with even a dollar, let alone something as perfect as your heart. Smoking is a horrible habit. Never take it up. Believe your mother, here, I know. Your teeth rot, your breath stinks, your clothes, furniture, car, all of it reeks of nicotine and smoke. You'll end up broke, with bad teeth, and you'll stink. Yuck. Don't cuss in an inappropriate situation. You should be able to sense the "feeling" of the room and the company within it. You'll know what's right and wrong to say and do. Find your passion and never lose it. Whatever it is that makes your life worth living, find it and go with it. Never give up and never forget. You can learn in many ways other than reading a book. Go out and explore. Try new things. Experiment. Life can teach you many things a book cannot. Hold true to yourself. Never change for ANYONE. You are you and no one else. You are perfect as you are. You can do great things if you stay true to your identity and love yourself. You are the most important thing in my life, son. I can't imagine life without you and don't want to. You are my everything. My sun and moon. My air and water. My heart and soul. Always remember these quotes and lyrics: "One day we'll all have perfect wings" "I may not have much, but I have my family, and that's all I'll ever need." "In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity" And the most important thing of all to never ever forget: I'm always with you son,

Love, 
Mom