Jenny began dating her ex-husband again. She needed someone badly, and he was there. She came to visit at his place with Zachary on a regular basis. Although his friends now hated her because of the lies he told them when they split up, she ignored the stares and whispers and went on about her business. On several different occasions, though, she became furious with Mark for smoking weed with his friends in the house with their son. She couldn’t stop him of course, but threatened to not let Zach stay the night with him if he continued it.
Danielle was due any day, so Jenny gathered boxes full of baby clothes and bottles for the new baby, Xavier. Jenny couldn't stand to stay at the trailer alone, so she and Zachary had been staying with Mark, a block from Deanna and Danielle. Jenny took the baby things down to Danielle and sat to talk for a while. Deanna was at Tracy's place with her, Derek, and the kids. Danielle talked to Jenny about parenting. She was afraid, this was her first baby and she was going to raise him alone. Jenny told her everything she knew and everything she remembered "Mom Brenda" had told her about raising kids. She knew how upset Danielle was that her mom wasn't there for the birth of her first child, so Jenny did the best she could to reassure her and answer all her questions. They saw a neighbor drive by with subs bumping, music as loud as it could go, and a baby in the backseat. Danielle was furious! She vowed to never put her son through that. "Once they're old enough to tell you if it's too loud, you can turn it up, but if they can't communicate with you, there's no reason to have the music up that loud." Danielle explained and Jenny agreed. They also agreed that it wasn't right to smoke around small babies and that classical music was good for kids. Danielle told Jenny she was being induced that week and that she would call her as soon as they got home from the hospital.
The baby's first night home, Danielle asked Jenny to stay the night and help her take care of him. Of course, Jenny said she would. Every 2 hours, Jenny got up and changed the baby for her. She showed the new mommy the easiest way to make him bottles and the different ways to burp him. Danielle was exhausted, so Jenny took over for the rest of the night. It was time for Jenny to face her fears.
She needed to go home, back to the trailer. Jenny hated it there now. Everywhere she looked, she thought of Derek. She missed him and still hated herself for letting her guard down so soon. Jenny had no car, no phone, and was stuck 6 miles away from civilization. She made it a week before she had the urge to go back over to Deanna and Danielle's house. She didn't know why, but she knew she needed to be there. In the back of her mind, she was hoping to talk to Derek. She hadn't seen or spoken to him since the night he left. She needed an explanation, she needed closure. Jenny tried to use other outlets to make the pain go away instead of cutting, so she wrote:
"4 AM: I was awoken by my ex-husband. He said someone had come and banged on the door and that I needed to wake up. I sat up and tried to open my eyes, when I heard him say, the words I have grown to hate hearing from him, "You need to wake up, so-and-so's here." That always meant someone in my family has died, again. "Danielle's being taken away by ambulance." He said. "What's wrong, what happened?" He didn't know anything. I ran as fast as I possibly could, asthma attack and all, in my pajamas down 6th street at 4 am. I could see their place from my driveway, so as soon as I left out the door, I saw 2 ambulances, lights on, but no siren and I don't see anyone rushing anywhere. Confused, I was thinking maybe, she's okay, it was just a scare, maybe she had a bad asthma attack, and she's okay now. I get to the door, and immediately grab Danielle's pride and joy, little Xavier. He's fussy, and scared, 1 week old and dealing with all this confusion. As I feed the baby, Deanna's 1 year old daughter, Gracie, comes up to me whining and scared, begging for me to pick her up. Of course I do. So holding 2 babies at once, I finally start asking what's happening. Deanna's crying, freaking out hardcore. "It's just like mom, it's the same thing!" she starts sobbing even harder. I tell her, "Danielle will be just fine, you know she's going to be okay, don't think like that" "No, Jenny, She stopped breathing, she was turning blue! I had to do CPR on her. Gracie and Xavier saw it all!", now she's got that same terrified, scared to death look on her face that she had the day mom died." Deanna honey, you're strong, we can do this, Dani isn't going anywhere, just take a deep breath, and we can do this." I reassure my best friend, honestly believing what I was saying. We load up the kids and diaper bags. Derek and Tracy show up, wonderful. I don't think I can handle this. We all meet up at the ER. Where we wrestle the two kids, while trying to deal with the fact that none of the nurses or doctors will tell us anything at all. Deanna is calling their father, telling him what happened, when the doctor starts gathering everyone into a small room to the side. They come up and tell Deanna they need to talk to her, but she's busy with her father, and doesn't hang up immediately. The nurse looks at me, with "that look". I know that. look. I hate that look. I poke Deanna, and say, "Honey, we need to talk to the doctor." knowing what was about to come. We go into this room. I'm holding Gracie, Tracy has Xavier. They begin by asking who everyone is, and we all introduce ourselves; Tracy is introduced as the sister in law, and Derek introduces me as the family friend. They begin to tell us that they couldn't resuscitate Danielle.
When those words hit, everyone lost it, except for the kids and me. I am sitting there, watching a family, which has already endured an enormous loss just 9 months ago, fall to pieces once again. This time without the rock of the family, Danielle. I was in shock, and couldn't believe that God would allow such a thing. Just a mere week after a 19-year-old girl gives birth?! By now, I'm crying, scared to know what will happen now without our beloved Dani. They take us back to the ER room. There she is. On the table, like she's just asleep. We're all breaking down now. Gracie is looking at us, so freaked out. I hadn't even thought about the fact that I probably shouldn't have brought her in there to see Danielle. I try to get Tracy to give me Xavier, in an attempt to get the kids out of that room, but she refuses. I left the room with Gracie, and went outside to smoke, still bawling and trying to calm down for little Gracie. One by one, they all come outside. Even in the midst of this horrible tragedy in "our" family, Tracy doesn't let Derek and me near each other for more than a few seconds. I want to run up and hold Derek and just cry with him, the same as when mom died 9 months ago, but I know I'm not "allowed" to touch him since she was there. Relationship or not, blood or not, we're still family damn it, and even without the blood between us all, I needed comfort too.
Danielle was due any day, so Jenny gathered boxes full of baby clothes and bottles for the new baby, Xavier. Jenny couldn't stand to stay at the trailer alone, so she and Zachary had been staying with Mark, a block from Deanna and Danielle. Jenny took the baby things down to Danielle and sat to talk for a while. Deanna was at Tracy's place with her, Derek, and the kids. Danielle talked to Jenny about parenting. She was afraid, this was her first baby and she was going to raise him alone. Jenny told her everything she knew and everything she remembered "Mom Brenda" had told her about raising kids. She knew how upset Danielle was that her mom wasn't there for the birth of her first child, so Jenny did the best she could to reassure her and answer all her questions. They saw a neighbor drive by with subs bumping, music as loud as it could go, and a baby in the backseat. Danielle was furious! She vowed to never put her son through that. "Once they're old enough to tell you if it's too loud, you can turn it up, but if they can't communicate with you, there's no reason to have the music up that loud." Danielle explained and Jenny agreed. They also agreed that it wasn't right to smoke around small babies and that classical music was good for kids. Danielle told Jenny she was being induced that week and that she would call her as soon as they got home from the hospital.
The baby's first night home, Danielle asked Jenny to stay the night and help her take care of him. Of course, Jenny said she would. Every 2 hours, Jenny got up and changed the baby for her. She showed the new mommy the easiest way to make him bottles and the different ways to burp him. Danielle was exhausted, so Jenny took over for the rest of the night. It was time for Jenny to face her fears.
She needed to go home, back to the trailer. Jenny hated it there now. Everywhere she looked, she thought of Derek. She missed him and still hated herself for letting her guard down so soon. Jenny had no car, no phone, and was stuck 6 miles away from civilization. She made it a week before she had the urge to go back over to Deanna and Danielle's house. She didn't know why, but she knew she needed to be there. In the back of her mind, she was hoping to talk to Derek. She hadn't seen or spoken to him since the night he left. She needed an explanation, she needed closure. Jenny tried to use other outlets to make the pain go away instead of cutting, so she wrote:
"4 AM: I was awoken by my ex-husband. He said someone had come and banged on the door and that I needed to wake up. I sat up and tried to open my eyes, when I heard him say, the words I have grown to hate hearing from him, "You need to wake up, so-and-so's here." That always meant someone in my family has died, again. "Danielle's being taken away by ambulance." He said. "What's wrong, what happened?" He didn't know anything. I ran as fast as I possibly could, asthma attack and all, in my pajamas down 6th street at 4 am. I could see their place from my driveway, so as soon as I left out the door, I saw 2 ambulances, lights on, but no siren and I don't see anyone rushing anywhere. Confused, I was thinking maybe, she's okay, it was just a scare, maybe she had a bad asthma attack, and she's okay now. I get to the door, and immediately grab Danielle's pride and joy, little Xavier. He's fussy, and scared, 1 week old and dealing with all this confusion. As I feed the baby, Deanna's 1 year old daughter, Gracie, comes up to me whining and scared, begging for me to pick her up. Of course I do. So holding 2 babies at once, I finally start asking what's happening. Deanna's crying, freaking out hardcore. "It's just like mom, it's the same thing!" she starts sobbing even harder. I tell her, "Danielle will be just fine, you know she's going to be okay, don't think like that" "No, Jenny, She stopped breathing, she was turning blue! I had to do CPR on her. Gracie and Xavier saw it all!", now she's got that same terrified, scared to death look on her face that she had the day mom died." Deanna honey, you're strong, we can do this, Dani isn't going anywhere, just take a deep breath, and we can do this." I reassure my best friend, honestly believing what I was saying. We load up the kids and diaper bags. Derek and Tracy show up, wonderful. I don't think I can handle this. We all meet up at the ER. Where we wrestle the two kids, while trying to deal with the fact that none of the nurses or doctors will tell us anything at all. Deanna is calling their father, telling him what happened, when the doctor starts gathering everyone into a small room to the side. They come up and tell Deanna they need to talk to her, but she's busy with her father, and doesn't hang up immediately. The nurse looks at me, with "that look". I know that. look. I hate that look. I poke Deanna, and say, "Honey, we need to talk to the doctor." knowing what was about to come. We go into this room. I'm holding Gracie, Tracy has Xavier. They begin by asking who everyone is, and we all introduce ourselves; Tracy is introduced as the sister in law, and Derek introduces me as the family friend. They begin to tell us that they couldn't resuscitate Danielle.
When those words hit, everyone lost it, except for the kids and me. I am sitting there, watching a family, which has already endured an enormous loss just 9 months ago, fall to pieces once again. This time without the rock of the family, Danielle. I was in shock, and couldn't believe that God would allow such a thing. Just a mere week after a 19-year-old girl gives birth?! By now, I'm crying, scared to know what will happen now without our beloved Dani. They take us back to the ER room. There she is. On the table, like she's just asleep. We're all breaking down now. Gracie is looking at us, so freaked out. I hadn't even thought about the fact that I probably shouldn't have brought her in there to see Danielle. I try to get Tracy to give me Xavier, in an attempt to get the kids out of that room, but she refuses. I left the room with Gracie, and went outside to smoke, still bawling and trying to calm down for little Gracie. One by one, they all come outside. Even in the midst of this horrible tragedy in "our" family, Tracy doesn't let Derek and me near each other for more than a few seconds. I want to run up and hold Derek and just cry with him, the same as when mom died 9 months ago, but I know I'm not "allowed" to touch him since she was there. Relationship or not, blood or not, we're still family damn it, and even without the blood between us all, I needed comfort too.
No comments:
Post a Comment