Kara came for a drink

A friend of Jenny's lived across the street from Mark. Kara invited her over to drink for the night, so Jenny went there and planned to drink herself into oblivion. A fifth of whiskey later, Jenny was plastered and Kara had passed out when the bottle was halfway gone. No one wants to sit around by themselves when they're drunk, so Jenny started calling all of her friends. Her friend, Martin, AKA Pumba, came over to hang out with her. She went across the street to let her ex-husband know that he would be hanging out with her and to check on her baby boy.

Jenny remembered opening her eyes as Pumba put his dick in her mouth. She was passed out, and once again, being raped. "Suck that dick baby, yeah put it in your mouth" she heard him saying. That sick bastard needed to be shot, but no one was there to help her. She was in and out of consciousness. The next time she came to, she heard a loud knock on Kara's front door as Pumba jumped off of her and ran to the living room, letting Jenny fall to the floor. As Jenny curled up on the floor she just cried and held herself. Would it ever stop? What had she done to deserve this again? She had done something wrong. She trusted a man. Jenny's ex-husband, Mark, and Pumba appeared in the doorway looking down at Jenny. She felt like a freak of nature on exhibit. For a few moments she was terrified that her husband had come to join in on Pumba's festivities, but thankfully it wasn't like that. "Why the hell is my ex-wife lying on the floor half naked crying while you're standing here sweating and out of breath?" Mark asked the so-called friend. She heard her ex-husband asking Pumba what was going on and he replied that Jenny was so drunk that she passed out on the toilet and he merely carried her to bed. The next morning, Jenny woke up next to her ex-husband. He began telling her everything that had happened that she could not remember. When Jenny passed out, Pumba carried her to the bedroom. Mark happened to be outside smoking at the time, and when he saw the bedroom light come on and then go right back off he got worried. He began calling both Kara and Pumba's phones, but no one was answering.

Mark came over and pounded on the door for a few minutes until Pumba finally opened the door. That was when they came into the doorway in front of Jenny. Mark simply asked Pumba what happened, and once he realized he was lying, he merely told him it was time for Pumba to leave. Her ex-husband let that man leave the house and did nothing. Jenny went into frenzy once he left. Mark could only calm her when he backed away from her and calmly called her Jenny Lou or Lou-Lou, the names her Aunt Sandy and close family always called her. Mark said that Jenny wouldn't let anyone touch her. She went and hid in the bathtub at one point so that no one could get to her. She started begging Mark for a knife, she needed it right then. She needed to punish herself; she should've known not to trust a man. She knew better. Jenny finally calmed down and let Mark touch her once Kara was awake. She took a few anxiety pills and Mark took her home to sleep. Jenny had been raped by someone she had known for 4 years. Someone she thought was a friend.

Life goes on

Jenny self injured again when Danielle died, but Mark kept her from doing it after the rape. Instead she avoided the subject of what happened and went on with life. Jenny wasn't sure she would make it; Pa-Pa, Aunt Sandy. Baby Johnny, Brenda, Sabrina, and now Danielle, on top of the heartache she still felt from Derek leaving her. She just wasn't sure she could handle anymore, but she tried to go on. "Is it ever going to end?" She asked God.

Zachary turned 2 years old in August. Jenny was more excited than she had been in a long time; her baby boy was growing up. It was only 2 weeks after his birthday that Zachary sat on his own for the first time. He was doing well in therapy, not throwing as many temper tantrums. Everyone was pleased with his progress since the divorce. In fact, it wasn't until Jenny got Zachary in her custody full time that he finally started gaining weight, sitting up, attempting to stand, and speak. Jenny was proud of her son and herself.

Derek told Jenny that he had to stay with Tracy because he was on parole and she could send him back to prison if he pissed her off enough. Jenny had a very hard time believing his story, but she let herself love him anyway. The months went by and things seemed better a lot of the time. After a bit, Jenny began to feel like a whore. He only spent time with her when they had sex. Was that all he wanted? Jenny began to believe that Derek was still in love with his ex-wife. Although she knew you can't change what you feel, she was still upset. If he did love her, he should have told Jenny, she thought. Jenny still had a few fleeting feelings of love for her ex-husband, but in whole, her heart belonged to Derek, and now it was just a waiting game to see if he would return that winter once he was taken off parole.

Jenny started to see that being a single mother was a lot harder then she thought. It would have been easier if Zachary didn't have therapy 3 times a week, or doctor visits every single month, but Jenny would never want him any other way, and "if this is how it's gotta be" she thought, "this is how it's gonna be."
After Danielle passed away, Jenny realized how fleeting life can be. If something were to happen to her while Zachary was young, she wanted him to have something to know her by. So, Jenny did what she does best, she wrote.

Specialty

Peek A Boo

And Hide N seek

Today it's you

Forget next week

The doctors call

Calendar fills up

Spring to fall

Never lets up

Today my son, Is ours alone

Lock that door

And turn off the phone

Your smile so bright

And eyes so wide

In my sight

There's nothing to hide

Toys and things

Scatter the floor

The phone doesn't ring

But we play no more

So, Goodnight sweet baby

Sweet dreams to you

And next week maybe

We'll forget therapy, too!

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Zachary, you can finally sit on your own. You need a little help getting into the sitting position, but you can sit by yourself for at least 5 minutes at a time! You shake your head yes and no. Usually you say no, though! You're very brave these days. You couldn't care less if you bump your head as long as you get to where you want to go. You love to smile at people, but only if they smile first. You've become quiet the ladies' man! Your favorite food is chocolate! Cake, donuts, ice cream, anything chocolate! Your favorite cookies are milano cookies. You will only take one bite from oreos or chips ahoy before throwing them down. You're so picky! You love looking in mirrors! I hope you aren't going to be conceited! You always stick out your tongue and make silly faces while you look at your reflection. You have just learned to nod your head to music. You usually only do it to slow rock songs, like Hinder- "Lips of an angel". You love to watch me dance silly to your ABC song! Sometimes mommy acts nuts, but you like it, so it's okay! You still don't look exactly like me or your father. You're a perfect mix of us both. You're so handsome! You go see your father and grandmother every other weekend. Your father usually spends a day with you, but he likes to go out with his friends and on dates with girls on the weekends. Most of the time you play with your grandma. She shows you off to everyone she knows. She treats you very well. You've finally gotten sick of the baby Einstein movies. Now we watch a lot of action movies. You like to see people fighting and wrestling. Sometimes I worry that people will corrupt you. Teach you to lie, cheat, steal, and backstab. I hope you can refuse these teachings, Zach. The truth is always best. To steal is to show disrespect. To show disrespect is lowering yourself. Never talk about people behind their backs. If you have something to say, say it to them. You're better than all of that stuff Zachary. You're a good person."

It was mid-November when her best friend, Deanna, was being induced to give birth to her son. Danielle had already named the baby before she died so his name was chosen before the birth. The newest addition to the family would be named Cameran Daniel. Jenny stayed at the hospital all day with her friend and when it was time to have the baby, she held her hand and helped her through the pain of childbirth. Deanna gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby boy weighing exactly 7 lbs 11 oz. Once baby Cam got out of the hospital with his mommy, they went to visit Jenny and Zach. He absolutely loved baby Cameran! Zach just couldn't get enough of holding him and giving him kisses.

Prophecy, December 2006

Who the hell is here" she wondered as she went to answer the door. She peeked out the window to see Derek. He had come back to her. He stood at her door with a sort of arrogant look on his face. Jenny wasn't so sure she should trust him again, so she just let things go the way they went. She didn't try to control or change a thing. If it was meant to be it would be. He would have to prove his love to her before she would open her heart to him again. She had decided to guard her duct-taped heart from everyone. She would not say the words to him first. She would not allow him the opportunity to hurt her and if she had to, she would hurt him first, before she would let it happen to her. Jenny wasn't like every other girl. She was different. She was special. Derek knew all this for years, and if he wanted something special, something different, he would have to convince her that he deserved it.

Prophecy

And as if it were nothing

You threw us away

As if I was nothing

You pushed me away

I could feel the tension

I knew the emotions

I could see your thoughts

And I knew what was to come

You were leaving me

Not now, but soon

You don't care for me

And you'll leave me in ruin"

"I'd be okay

If we were to cease to be

I would be okay

If it seemed we'd not be happy

That's fine, goodbye, I'd say

If you wanted me no more

I would be okay

If our love became a bore

I'd make it to the next day

I will not stumble

I won't lie down and die

I can live without you

Being at my side"

As Zachary got older, Jenny couldn't help but think of his future. She hoped that her son would never have to experience the pain she had, but she knew pain is inevitable. The best she could do is share her life story and what she had come to know in her years.

My son,

If I never get the chance to tell what I know, here it is, just for you, forever. Never grow up completely. It's pointless. Have fun and feel young for as long as you can. Don't consume your life with meaningless things. Objects are just that, objects. A job is just a job. A girl is just a girl. This is all true unless: You find a passion for an object and turn it into a life goal. You find a job you love, and enjoy every moment of it. You find a girl who is more than just a girl, she's amazing. You find those things, and you hold on tight, son. Your heart is precious. Don't just give it to anyone. You can't trust everyone you meet son, but that doesn't mean you can't get to know them. People are funny like that. You can get to know them, enjoy their company, but that doesn't mean they're trustworthy with even a dollar, let alone something as perfect as your heart. Smoking is a horrible habit. Never take it up. Believe your mother, here, I know. Your teeth rot, your breath stinks, your clothes, furniture, car, all of it reeks of nicotine and smoke. You'll end up broke, with bad teeth, and you'll stink. Yuck. Don't cuss in an inappropriate situation. You should be able to sense the "feeling" of the room and the company within it. You'll know what's right and wrong to say and do. Find your passion and never lose it. Whatever it is that makes your life worth living, find it and go with it. Never give up and never forget. You can learn in many ways other than reading a book. Go out and explore. Try new things. Experiment. Life can teach you many things a book cannot. Hold true to yourself. Never change for ANYONE. You are you and no one else. You are perfect as you are. You can do great things if you stay true to your identity and love yourself. You are the most important thing in my life, son. I can't imagine life without you and don't want to. You are my everything. My sun and moon. My air and water. My heart and soul. Always remember these quotes and lyrics: "One day we'll all have perfect wings" "I may not have much, but I have my family, and that's all I'll ever need." "In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity" And the most important thing of all to never ever forget: I'm always with you son,

Love, 
Mom

Girl's Night Out

Deanna and Jenny needed some time out of the house. It would be good for both of them to be adults for a little while, so Deanna got a sitter for the night, and it was Zachary's weekend to go to his dad's. Once the kids were both gone, the girl's got dressed up with cute outfits, did their hair, and put on make up before they headed out for a night bar hopping.

They played pool at a little hole in the wall bar 2 blocks from home, they sang at the top of their lungs along with the jukebox, and they laughed at how long it had been since they had time away from their kids together. In between bars, Jenny saw a man walking down the street that looked very familiar. "Deanna, slow down, I think that's Scotty!" Deanna pulled into the parking lot next to them and Jenny yelled out the window, "Hey, what's your name?" The man replied back, "Scott." It was him.

They all went to play a few more rounds of pool and have a couple more drinks. By midnight, Jenny was more drunk than she had been in years. She and Scotty caught up on old times, sharing photos of their children, and stories about love and loss. It turned out that his grandmother, the woman who had raised him, passed away only about a year ago. IT was like old times between the two. Jenny wondered if this was meant to be, it was odd to happen to be out that night, and to see him walking down that same street?!

It only took a week before they were happily back in love like when they were teenagers. Scotty told her all about his life now. He had a house with a roommate an hour away that he owned, a motorcycle, and a truck that needed fixed. He had visitation with both of his daughters, and a couple of seasonal jobs.

Jenny still hadn't began birth control, she honestly believed after almost 4 years of not getting pregnant, she wasn't able to. She probably shouldn't have been so naive, because it was July when she found out she was pregnant again.

Another baby

Was it possible? Jenny hadn't even considered the idea of another baby, but there she sat staring at the plus sign on a pregnancy test. She didn't care how or who at the time, all that mattered was that she was going to be a mommy again. She was overjoyed!

She ran and jumped in Scotty's lap and they just laughed and smiled and talked about the new baby and dreams they had for it. Jenny got out an old T-shirt and a permanent marker and wrote "What Baby?" On the front and "I'm pregnant!" on the back. She then walked downstairs and knocked on her mom's door.

Jenny's mom yelled "Come in!" and when she turned to see Jenny's shirt her jaw dropped. "No..." She said, "You're not, are you?". "Yep. I'm PREGNANT!!!" She squeeled! Her sister Missy walked in and had almost the same reaction to the news. With no one seeming to share in her joy, Jenny returned upstairs to find Scotty's comforting arms so she could feel happy about her baby without all the negative looks and stares from her family.

It was getting so hot outside, and of course Jenny's hormones were insane from the pregnancy, so one day she jumped up and grabbed the scissors. She ordered Scotty to follow her downstairs and once they got to the alley she handed him the scissors and asked him to just chop all her hair. "Just cut it right here," as she motioned to her chin line, "all the way across, I don't care if you mess up." Scotty did as she asked and her beautiful hair blew down the alley way. Jenny smiled a crooked smile and shook her hair as she pranced back upstairs to cool down in the air conditioning.

Her world crashes

With the news of her pregnancy Jenny had to stop taking her anti-anxiety and depression medication, which was sure to make for an interesting 9 months. She regularly got into fights with everyone she knew over things that didn't even matter. For some reason this made some people believe she was on drugs and suicidal.

The couple decided they needed to move and instead of saving money, they chose to not pay their current rent and save that to move. So of course they were served with eviction papers. In the meantime, Jenny had owed her mom $80 and her mom was adamant she pay her immediately. All at the same time, Jenny learned that Scotty had never paid any money toward his court fines as he said he did, which just pissed her off more. So now they were being evicted, a large part of their money to move was gone to her mom, and they were fighting. Jenny broke into a horrible panic attack and texted Sharon. She threw her mom's movies and Cd's down the stairs and told Scott her anxiety was so bad she felt like she needed to be admitted to a mental institution.

Scotty went downstairs and gave Jenny's mom the money she wanted and told her Jenny was freaking out and said "She wants to go to rehab." Her mom thought Jenny was on drugs instead of what was really meant by that comment, but nothing would change her mind after that.

"Can someone take Zach for a week? I don't have any idea where we're moving or what's going on anymore". Mark arrived at the door as Jenny bawled like a baby on the couch holding her son in her arms. She said, "I'm not sure where we're going to live or how I'm going to make this work, but I will." He replied, "Well, I'll make sure you get to see bub no matter what." She gathered up some of his favorite things and sent them on their way.

Somehow her text to Sharon was misconstrued to say that she was giving Mark custody of Zachary. Jenny's mom told everyone she was on crack very bad and needed to go to rehab especially since she was 5 months pregnant and Scott told everyone that she was cutting herself again as well.

The next day when Jenny texted Mark, she asked for him to bring Zach over to see her, he said "yes, but you cannot take him out of the car, he's mine now." "WHAT?! YOU CAN'T KEEP MY SON FROM ME- THIS IS ALL A MISUNDERSTANDING MARK!". He didn't care her reason, he told her her thought she was on crack and cutting herself and it was not a safe place for him to be. So Jenny got a ride to her doctor an hour later and was checked for cuts and got a drug test- all negative.

Did that prove anything to anyone? No. The cops all refused to help her get her son back because Mark had joint custody. No lawyers would help without charging way more than she had. There was nothing she could do. No one would help her and Jenny feared she'd never see her baby boy again.

Jenny went to Mark's apartment again begging for her son back but this time she got some interesting information. He showed her a computer print-out of Scotty's Sexual Predator Registration for rape of a minor. How could he have not told her this? They had already talk about marriage and were having a baby! She allowed him around her child and slept next to him every night!

She immediately confronted him. Maybe she was naive or maybe he was a great liar but he convinced her that he was telling the truth when he told her this story:
"I was at a party when I was 18, there was a girl there that was 15, we hooked up, everything was fine. The next day her boyfriend found out and she called the cops so her man wouldn't dump her. That's all that happened, I swear!"
She really needed it to be true. She didn't want to be a single mom to two babies. She didn't want him to be the monster that paper showed him as. She needed his story to be real, so she believed it, but she still couldn't let his record stand between her and her son. She made him go stay with his aunt Toni and she continued begging for her son back and bothering all the local cops on a daily basis.

She no longer spoke to her family at all. Her mom still believed she was on drugs and wouldn't have anything to do with her. She felt lost and alone. She sat outside listeing to the radio and writing in her journal. She cried and she cried and she begged God to relieve her pain. Mandy, her little sister, came outside and said, "awww go on and write your little suicide note, no one cares..". What if she had been writing a suicide note? How would she have felt if those were her last words to her sister? Jenny thought for a moment of the idea and then as she passed by again told her mom, "You need to keep that little bitch of yours in check before I fuck her up!" They left without care that Jenny, not being on her anti-depressants could have been heading upstairs to commit suicide, of course she wasn't, but how would they have known?

Melody called a week after he first took Zachary. Melody babysat Jenny and her little sister when they were kids and had always been a close family friend. She was also Kara's mom, Jenny's best friend. She used her friends at the local police station to go with her and Jenny to talk to Mark. Jenny got lucky and was able to talk Mark into letting her hold Zach and the cop said that since they had joint custody there was nothing he could do, whoever had him in their arms, got to leave with him.

Jenny got her pride and joy back after a long a stressful week.