The beginning

As Jenny stood on the bridge, she just knew the rest of her life would be perfect. She stood there wearing jeans and a blue tank top and her hair was shimmering with glitter in a pony tail. Mark’s mom was crying her eyes out, as they knew she would, and as the preacher spoke, the world seemed to just stand still. Mark’s whole life was within this moment. He held his soon-to-be wife’s hands while listening to the preacher speak, but just couldn’t take his eyes off of her face. Her beautiful big brown eyes were the most comforting he had ever seen. Family and friends stood gathered around watching the ceremony. Less than 20 people attended and most were Mark's family. Thrown together last minute, this wedding was very casual and obviously impromptu. Their friends laughed and even made bets on how soon they would divorce, but they just knew their love would last forever.

The two 17-year-olds began their new life together as husband and wife in a small 2-bedroom public housing apartment filled with hand me down furniture and rummage sale picture frames. Mark worked full time at a pizza place for a little more than minimum wage and Jenny took on her new role as a homemaker. Although they were both now legal adults, Mark and Jenny were still just kids. Fights about absolutely nothing became a regular occasion throughout their first year. Several fights were because Jenny had a much stronger sex drive than he did. She tried everything to get her husband’s attention; lotions, lingerie, and even toys. Unfortunately, Mark was still very much into his video games, and it seemed to Jenny that the only way she'd get any intimacy from her man, was if she wore a helmet like the characters from Halo™ and painted an x-box controller on her chest.

Jenny came home after running errands one day to find a truck backed up to her home. "What the hell is going on?" she thought, confused. She got out of her car to see several boxes and furniture in the back of the truck. Mark was letting his friend Jared move in with them, but he had failed to talk with his wife about the decision beforehand. Jenny was furious, but she held it in, the best she could at least. They had an extra bedroom, but space was not what bothered Jenny about their new houseguest’s arrival. Mark was only thinking of himself and his friend, but had neglected to think of his wife’s feelings. As time went on, it became obvious by her short and angry comments, that she was still unhappy about his making such a big decision without her consultation. Mark, Jenny, and Jared learned to get along eventually. Together they threw parties, played games, and watched movies.

Mark decided he wasn’t making enough money at the pizza place so he began selling weed from home. Jenny hated it and argued with him so much before she finally gave up on reasoning with her husband. It was bad enough, to her, that he even smoked it, brought it into her home, and now he was selling it. All she could think about was that he would get busted and she would end up in jail as an accomplice even though she never smoked the stuff. Mark even did cocaine about the same time with his ex-girlfriend and her friend. The more drugs that he came into contact with, the more pissed off Jenny became.

It was a cool autumn night when the housemates decided to drink. They played board games late into the night, but Mark had to be up for work early, so after swallowing a few pills he bought from his friends, he went on to bed leaving Jared and Jenny drinking together in the living room. Jared encouraged Jenny to keep drinking, as he made comments that she couldn't keep up with him. Jenny accepted the "challenge" as she saw it and drank as much as she could before she passed out on the couch. Jenny awoke the next morning in Jared's bed with her chest burning. She looked down and saw a cigarette burn. Confused; she got up to investigate what the hell was going on. As she stood, her pants fell to the ground and she began to remember bits and pieces of the night before.

Mark was still in bed when she awoke; he had to be up in an hour for work. She saw Jared sitting in the living room talking to his underage girlfriend as if nothing weird was going on. Woozy and scared, she walked across the hall into her bedroom. She laid in bed beside her husband as fuzzy and unorganized visuals from the drunken evening before came to her mind slowly. She remembered being carried off the couch, at the time she assumed it was her loving husband taking her to bed, but she now knew that wasn't the case. At one point, while Jenny was passed out she had a brief moment of sobriety. She opened her eyes to see Jared above her on the bed, but she passed out again and unable to comprehend the situation. Jenny had been raped in her own home by her husband's friend.

The past

Jenny was no stranger to rape. She had a troubling childhood that few people knew about. At 14, Jenny and her family moved to a small village just south of their hometown. Jenny had to make all new friends, who were unfortunately her downfall. Jenny's sister, Missy, was sent to prison at 16 for armed robbery and was serving a 3-year sentence at Dwight Maximum-security prison for women. Missy's situation made things harder for the whole family. Jenny's mom, Mary, had gotten a new boyfriend, and it seemed like he would be around a while. Mary's boyfriend, Bill, was a good guy, but he and Mary got into fistfights regularly, which had a very bad effect on Jenny and her, little sister, Mandy.

Mary, in an attempt to keep the past from repeating itself, became convinced Jenny was doing the same things Missy was at her age. Mary insisted Jenny was doing dugs, drinking, and having sex, although none of that was true. The fact that her mother was constantly telling her how bad she was and the things that she thought Jenny was doing, made her want to rebel more than ever before. Jenny made friends with "the lake kids", the boys that lived in her neighborhood by the lake. Her sister, Mandy hadn't made any friends yet, and was upset that Jenny wouldn't let her hang out with her friends too. Sometimes Mandy would just sit outside playing in the dirt as she watched her older sister joke and cut-up with her friends. Jenny felt horrible when she noticed, but when she tried to involve her sister, all Mandy did was complain because they were listening to music too loud, or because someone was smoking. One of the boys, Brandon, broke into an abandoned trailer and invited all the kids to come there to hang out. Mary heard gossip about this trailer and called the police, which resulted in Jenny having a juvenile record. Jenny was now a 14-year-old juvenile delinquent. She was put on probation and had to do community service for 18 months.

In those 18 months, Jenny became a "cutter". She self-injured in an attempt to remind herself not to make the same mistakes twice. It was something she did to relieve the pain and anger she felt boiling up inside of her. She began wearing hooded sweaters all of the time to cover the marks she left on her arms. After her mom realized Jenny was cutting, she phoned her probation officer and the school. Jenny had to be checked for fresh cuts on a regular basis at her probation officer’s office. She would be ordered to wear only tank tops to her meetings and explain any new scratches. She also had to start seeing a special counselor at school each day for 30 minutes to help her deal with her emotions better.

"Wrong With Me
What is it that I do
To make it all go away
What I do hurts me too
But in a different way
So what can I do
To keep the pain at bay
It gets me dirty looks from you
But there's nothing you will say
Well, what do I do
To get myself free
You never even knew
There was something wrong with me"

Away from the "lake kids"

Mary moved the kids into town, away from "the lake kids". Jenny was determined to change her life, she made new friends, well, and actually, she only made one friend. Deanna and Jenny were instantly inseparable. Deanna's mom, Brenda, was like a second mom to Jenny. She loved her so much for showing her that different is okay and Brenda was there to listen to Jenny even when everyone else just blew her off as a rebelling teenager. Jenny had a secret crush on Danielle & Deanna's brother, Derek, but she didn't even try for him, he seemed uninterested. Little did she know, "Mom Brenda" had been trying since they moved there to get her and Derek together, but he refused because she was what he called a "freak". She wore dark clothing that didn't show off her body and black nail polish.

Jenny met some of Deanna's friends; one in particular caught her eye, Scotty. Although Scotty and Jenny didn't date, they were friends and he introduced her to his aunt, Becky, who lived in the same small town. Becky had two little girls and offered to pay Jenny to baby-sit on occasion. Jenny and Mary became more like enemies than mother and daughter. During one of their regular arguments, Mary screamed, "Just get the screw out and don't ever come back!" Jenny took the hint and went to Becky's house. Jenny was more like a live-in babysitter than anything while she lived there. She was left almost everyday with the two girls, cooking, cleaning, and watching two kids, not what a normal 15 year old would be doing. On top of all that, Jenny was still on probation, doing community service, as well as counseling. Becky was not as responsible as Jenny had thought. She let Jenny drink, smoke, take pills, and have sex.

Jenny and Becky's nephew, Scotty, had finally gotten together. She was in love for the first time. She wrote him letters and poems almost on a daily basis when they couldn’t spend time together. When Mary found out about their relationship she refused to allow them to be together because he was 18, and even threatened to call the police. Eventually this caused enough arguments between Mary and Scotty's family that they were forced to break up.

In the midst of all the drama, Becky invited over her boyfriend and his 19-year-old son, Frankie. Becky pushed the two teenagers together as much as she could, and Jenny ended up dating Frankie for a couple days until he raped her. She kept refusing to have unprotected sex with him, but he had no condoms and wasn't willing to listen. He took her shirt off, the shirt Scotty had given her, held her down and raped her. Becky had gone back to her boyfriend's house for the night, and left Jenny alone with Frankie, who was drunk and on pills. She laid in the bed, terrified, grasping tightly to the blankets, and trying not to cry to loud and awake her assailant. When Mary showed up the next week, Becky mentioned to her that Jenny claimed she was raped. Mary asked Jenny if it was true, and when she said yes, all Mary did was hug her daughter and tell her it was going to be okay.
Jenny moved in with a friend of the family, Cindy, and continued her probation, community service, and counseling and her grades got better. She turned 16 while she lived there. She went to see her friend, Tom, who she met through Becky, on her birthday. Tom’s girlfriend, Samantha, picked her up from Cindy’s house and they went to her and Tom’s house. He showed her the cake he and his girlfriend baked for her. Then he laid her on the bed and raped her while his girlfriend watched. Jenny spent half of her 16th birthday in in-school detention for missing so much school when she lived with Becky, and the other half of it being raped.

“Forsaken
Trapped
In pain
Abused
Unclean
Fighting harder
makes it worse
screaming louder
doesn't work
Vicious
like a rabid dog
knocked around
thrown and thrashed
holds me down
strips me bare
I'm alone
and no one cares
I give up
too tired to fight
play dead- he'll go away
I just want to live through the night
he doesn't leave
but when he's done
wipes me off
lays beside me
covers himself up
then whispers he loves me
and into sleep drifts off
I lie still
try not to make a noise
cold and bare
mom warned me about boys
afraid to move
afraid to breathe
in my dreams only way to leave
wakes me up
ready for another round
grabs my hair
pushes me down
I'm choking
cant breathe
so afraid
save me
save me please"

Forsaken Part Two

Here we go once again
How could he
I thought he was my friend
First so innocent
Joking, flirting
Touching, hugging
Ok stop
Kissing, licking
I said stop
Kicking, hitting
Yell again
Stop it now
I have to go
Grabbing, holding
No more
Pushing, shoving
Holds me down
Jeans come off
Pushes me down
Face in the bed
Very little air
I just want to be dead
A different guy
No different story
I want to die
But how could he?
Licking, sucking
Twice my age
So disgusting
Twice my strength
Grab the sheets
Block out the pain
Grabs my feet
Turns me over
Pushes aside me head
His girl's passed out
Beside the bed
Block it out
Ignore the pain
Pushes hard
No, no more
Doesn't care
Bites my breast
Covers my mouth
Pushes harder
Takes it out
But tries another
Doesn't fit
Please no
Stop it
Crying so hard
Can't breathe
Stops
Throws me to the side
Flings a towel
And my clothes
Says get dressed
And into the kitchen he goes
His girl now gets up
She goes with him
Wraps my birthday cake up
To take home with me
I get dressed
And get off the bed
He says it was the best
And then he said
Happy sixteenth birthday
As he tucks money for smokes
Into my pocket
Real sweet"

Falling in love

It was apparent that Jenny did not have anywhere to go where she would be controlled and taken care of. Because she was still on probation, the lawyers and attorneys were talking about making her a ward of the court and sending her into foster care. They said that she would not be allowed contact with any friends or family while in the court’s custody but Jenny didn’t want that, so she decided she might give her father a call. She didn't know much about him except what her mother said over the years, which was all very bad. Mary told her kids that their father had molested both Missy and Mandy when they were young, and that was why they didn't know him. Mary moved so many times throughout the years and never told Eddie where they were in hopes of protecting them from him. In 12 years, her family had lived in 6 different cities and dozens of different apartments and trailers.

The few memories Jenny had of her father were short and fuzzy. She remembered dancing with him when she was still in diapers. Her little sister, Mandy, was a newborn, and sat in the car seat near the couch as their mother and father danced with Jenny around the living room listening to Tommy Roe's song, 'Dizzy'. After their mom and dad split up, Jenny remembered her father coming to visit. He brought her a paint set knowing how much she loved art. She also remembered that she felt hatred for her father back then because of all her mother told her about him so she threw the paint set down and ran back to her bedroom until he left. Looking back, Jenny felt horrendous for acting in such an ungrateful way and wished she could go back and fix the situation.

Jenny had 2 weeks before she would be moving in with her father over 2 hours from all she had ever known as home and she spent the time staying with her older sister, Missy. It was Herrinfesta time, a weekend long fair held every year to celebrate the town's Italian heritage. Jenny couldn't miss that! One day, Missy sent Jenny across the street to get snow cones at Tropical Sno. As she walked across the street, she recognized someone. As she got closer she could see plain as day, it was Mark Shore! She got her snow cone and walked toward him. Once he realized it was Jenny he headed toward her with arms outstretched, but wasn't greeted with a hug. Instead, Jenny playfully threw some of her snow cone right onto his neck and as he started to complain about it, Jenny walked up to him and licked it off! They laughed, hugged, and started catching up. Over the next 2 weeks, Mark and Jenny were constantly by each other's side. Since the young love birds were practically inseparable, they decided to try a long distance relationship once she moved to her dad's. Jenny and Mark talked on the phone and internet for hour’s everyday. His parents came to pick her up every other weekend to stay with them. Jenny had fallen deeply in love.

Beneath the stars

Meet me beneath the stars tonight
Although you're far away
In my dreams I'll hold you tight
As I wish I could everyday
Escape to my thoughts
Run away from here
In my dreams I am lost
Just wishing you were near
But keep in mind
As you sleep
We'll be spending time
And your love, I'll keep
Beneath the stars, in our dreams.

Jenny and her father got along pretty good aside from his constant lecturing. The one thing that bothered Jenny was that he hugged her and touched her shoulder sometimes. Although he meant nothing by it, Jenny still wasn't dealing very well with the rapes or with the stories about her father's past. Her main problem while living there was with her step mom, whom she loved dearly, but they just didn't communicate very well. Once again, the courts stepped in and said that if Jenny didn't work it out with her father she would go into foster care, in which she would not be allowed to communicate with her friends or family until she turned 18. Jenny and Mark were already talking about marriage anyway, so when this came up, they decided it was right. He gave Jenny her birthday present, an engagement ring. It was gold with an orange stone, Jenny's favorite color. She was so excited that she showed off her ring as often as she could. Mark came up for Jenny's junior prom. Jenny felt horrible; she had come down with a bad cold the day before her prom, which was on Valentine's Day. As they sat at the dance, Mark slid a candy heart over to Jenny. It said "Marry Me". Jenny laughed it off, until he said, “Really, will you?” It was official, they were getting married.

Jenny showed off her engagement ring everywhere she could. She told all her friends at school, showing off her ring and photos. She grinned ear to ear whenever anyone asked about her approaching wedding day. She joked that since they had no money, the wedding reception would be held at McDonald's and everyone could order off of the dollar menu! She didn't invite any friends and only invited immediate family. She couldn't afford a dress and Mark couldn't afford a tuxedo, so they planned to make due with the dressiest clothes they had.

Silhouette Winter 2003

Jenny told her husband what happened with Jared, expecting him to kick his "friend" out immediately and hold her as she cried, but that didn't happen. Mark said he would talk to Jared about it when the time was right, but he didn't want to cause a big scene about it. Jenny was furious that her husband wouldn't take up for her, so she left.

Jenny left for her Aunt Molly’s house an hour away, where her mom was already staying. Jenny and Mary, as well as Mary’s other daughters, were always welcomed with open arms. “Family takes care of Family” was the motto. Jenny and her younger cousin, Sabrina, spent hours a day walking around town and talking. She hadn’t been around her cousins in years and it took her a little while to realize her cousins grew up, just like she did. Her other cousin, Shain, spent a lot of time trying to comfort her about her husband back home. He may have never been married, but a lot of what he said was strangely insightful. Aunt Molly was like a second mother to Jenny, and had even helped raise her and her sisters when they were younger. Good ole Uncle Vic was always around somewhere, and couldn’t get over how grown up Jenny was then.

More than a month after Jenny went to her aunt’s house, her husband finally has Jared move out, but Mark was still friends with him! Jenny couldn't believe it, but she just held in her frustration and moved on with her life. Mark and Jenny had been intimate with no protection for 9 months, but had yet to see a positive pregnancy test. Jenny desperately wanted a baby. Deep inside she wanted a child to make up for the attention Mark would not give her. Many times Jenny would start crying at the sight of a baby on TV. This was around the same time Jenny's older sister, Missy, who already had one little boy, was pregnant with her second. Missy invited Jenny over to see the baby's room, and all Jenny could do was cry when she walked in. She felt horrible for ruining her sister's special occasion, but she just could not hold it in. Now that Mark and Jenny had a goal, they were intimate much more often, and that in turn made the fights occur less often. Late at night on November 5th, Jenny received a frantic phone call from Missy telling her to get to the hospital. It was time. As Jenny peered into the nursery, once again she couldn't hold in the tears. Many of those tears were from jealousy. "How could one person, no better or worse than me, have not one, but two babies and here I am, with none?”